


The Innocence of a Child

by cernicalo



Category: Television - Fandom, The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-27
Updated: 2011-09-27
Packaged: 2017-10-24 02:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 34,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/257939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cernicalo/pseuds/cernicalo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bliar is injured and Jim must care for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:  These guys don't belong to me although I wish they did.  The author is in no way associated with the sticks-in-the-mud who do own them.
> 
> * * *

**Updated:** 07/05/09

Blair practically bounced as he entered the bullpen which sent his re-grown curls skittering across his shoulders.  He’d received a letter at the university stating that his student loan was now fully paid and man, did that feel good!  He couldn’t wait to tell Jim.   Blair couldn’t believe how well things were going for him at last.  And it had taken quite awhile, too.  Blair looked around but didn’t see Jim right away although his jacket was still there.  _Probably down in records or something_ , Blair thought as he dropped his back pack onto his desk.  Yup, his desk.  Right here in the Cascade Major Crimes division where he was now working as a full-time consultant to the PD and partner to Jim.  He even carried his own gold badge. 

 

 _It’s been a long, hard road, Blair my boy, but you’ve done it._   All those months burning the candle at both ends had paid off handsomely.  After that disastrous mess when Naomi had unwittingly released his initial dissertation he thought everything he’d worked for was gone.  It was while he was at the police academy that he’d found out the university couldn’t remove his doctoral candidacy since he’d never really submitted his dissertation through official channels.  End result, he worked with his advisor and changed his diss to cover sub-cultures within the police department.  Once he graduated from the police academy he started studying for the detective’s exam, his four years of first-hand experience working with Jim giving him the much-needed experience to move up quickly.  And at night he worked on his final diss.  He was awarded his PhD one year ago.  And boy had the guys in MC giving him one hell of a party.  He still smiled every time he thought about Simon, his long arms thrown around both Joel’s and Jim’s shoulders as he drunkenly offered his rendition of Otis Redding’s _Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay._

 

“Hey, Hairboy, what are you smiling about?”

 

Blair looked up to see H and Rafe giving him matching grins.

 

“Guys, you are looking at a debt-free man.”  Blair leaned back in his chair, arms spread wide and a grin that let everyone know all was right in his world.  _Well nearly, anyway…_

 

 

“Debt free?  You mean the student loans…”  Rafe started counting on long elegant fingers.

 

“Credit cards…”

 

“Tuition…”

 

“Yes and yes and even my book account at the university book store are now all officially paid off.”   Blair smiled again.

 

“Congratulations, Sandy.”  Connor smiled as she stepped closer.  “So now that you’re rolling in the big bucks you can buy us all lunch.”

 

“Sure, Connor,” Jim smirked as he came in to the bullpen.  “Now that he’s in the black we can all help him spend his money.”  Jim looked down at his friend as he made himself comfortable on the corner of Blair’s desk.  “And speaking of money, Chief, let’s talk about all that back rent you owe…”

 

This was met with a round of groans that was cut short by Simon yelling at them to get back to work.  Blair laughed along with everyone else as the group split up, but he wondered…just how serious was Jim?   He watched Jim out of the corner of his eye as he settled into his desk right next to Blair’s.  Yes, he did owe Jim but it was so much more than just money. 

 

Blair remained quiet as he typed up the final report on their last case only half of his attention on the report.  He kept mulling over that last thought.   Now there really wasn’t any reason for Jim to keep putting up with him.  He wondered if he should start looking for someplace new to live.  But he didn’t want to.  He liked living with the big gruff detective and wanted to stay close to him.  Besides, Jim still needed him, right?  Sure Jim had a lot more control over his senses, hadn’t zoned in months.  But they had great times together with the Jags games and camping, fishing.  Jim was his best friend and they helped each other in so many ways like cooking for each other and being there when a case was bad. 

 

Blair turned to the printer to grab the final copy of the report and mentally kicked himself.  _Just admit it, Blair, you’re in love with the guy and you’d take any excuse to stay around him.  And he does care about you, hell, he’s proven that over and over, but does he love you?  Well, probably not the way you want him to.  You’re his friend and you don’t need his help financially anymore.  And let’s face it…that was the only reason he let you move in to begin with._   Blair sighed.  _I guess I’ll start looking for my own place._  

 

With that thought, the great mood he’d found himself in a short while ago vanished completely.  Having his own place wouldn’t be that bad, right?   But the word ‘lonely’ rang through the back of his head.  He pushed it away tried to look at the positives.  After all, his life was pretty good.  He was in a great position with the university, he had a great job with the force...  Well, except for that new jerk in patrol.  He’d seem to fall right into that group of jerks who still considered him a flake at best, but at worse they thought he was a fag that rode the tail of the best detective in the force to get his shield.  He’d overheard their comments and could feel the dislike coming off them enough that he tried to avoid those areas where they tended to congregate.

 

Blair ran an agitated hand through his hair.  Man, he did _not_ need to be thinking about those assholes.   He again thought about getting an apartment.  He could actually bring dates back to his place…  Yeah, and that thought made him grimace, too.  He hadn’t been dating at all lately, couldn’t even remember how long ago his last date had been.   Great, first his good mood had vanished and now he was on his way to depression.   But he was a realist enough to know that there hadn’t been much of a choice.  He’d been spending all of his time trying to get his degree and shield.  Okay, so he could get started again, right?  There was that new girl working in student records back at the university…  But even as he thought about her he realized that he just wasn’t that interested.  That’s okay, though, he thought with new resolve.  First things first, find an apartment…

 

\-------------------------------

 

There was a slight breeze blowing, but he knew it wasn’t enough to affect anything.  He looked at his watch.  It would be soon.  He raised the rifle and settled it in place just as he’d done thousands of times before.  He sighted in and scanned the area briefly.  His mark would be walking out of the building at any moment.  There.  The shooter was prepared for the shot while the man walked, but instead he was gifted by a cell phone call that made the man move to the side of the walkway to stop and talk.  Without thought he exhaled and held his breath momentarily and put the slightest amount of pressure on the trigger.  One second later the man below lay sprawled across the walkway while people around him scattered, women screaming.  Less than thirty seconds later, his weapon disassembled and hidden in his case, the man picked up the one brass shell casing and calmly walked towards the staircase.  He needed to make one call which would initiate a substantial transfer to his account in the Cayman Islands and then he was free.  Free to travel or just to relax until the next phone call came with another task.

  


* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.squidge.org/peja/cgi-bin/viewstory.php?sid=43810>


	2. Chapter 2

Officer Stanley MacGregor strolled out of the personnel office and met up with his new partner just as Blair entered the elevator heading towards Major Crimes. The sight of that long hair made his jaw clench. The little faggot probably shook the curls around to catch the attention of any man around him. He’d seen him around a lot and he’d heard he lived with some detective in Major Crimes. It was disgusting. Who was he and why was the department letting the fag flaunt himself around like that?

“Who the hell is that?”

Officer Derek Jeeks eyed the large man next to him. He’d just been partnered with him and was still trying to size him up. He seemed competent enough but he wondered yet again why he’d transferred out of his last department and moved to Cascade.

“That’s Dr. Sandburg…works with Major Crimes Division.”

“He’s a doctor?”

“Yeah, but he has a shield, too.”

“He’s a cop?” Mac was suddenly sure that it was some politically-motivated decision that let long-haired fags take shields away from real cops.

“He’s a consultant, but yeah, he’s got a detective’s badge and works with Jim Ellison. He’s done a lot of good work. He and Ellison have one of the best solve rates in the state.”

MacGregor grunted his dismissal of that statement. “He looks like a fag.”

Jeeks shook his head. He didn’t need a partner who displayed such obvious prejudice. “Don’t let Ellison hear you say that. He’s real protective of Sandburg.”

Mac grunted again, complacent with his own size and capability. “Is he getting a piece of that?”

Jeeks stopped and pulled the large man over to the side. He didn’t need anyone overhearing MacGregor’s comments. It would just cause problems for both of them.

“Don’t know, don’t care, man, so don’t go there. And I would highly recommend you nip that line of thinking in the bud. Sandburg’s real popular with the brass, too, so let it go.”

“Yeah, whatever. As long as he doesn’t cross my path.”

With that final comment Mac turned and continued his trek to Patrol. Jeeks rolled his eyes and followed suddenly sure that Mac’s departure from his last assignment had something to do with his narrow-mindedness.

But fate being what it was, Sandburg and MacGregor do cross paths. MacGregor held the tape up allowing Jim to access the crime scene. Blair followed close behind. Jim ducked under the tape and strode ahead unaware that MacGregor dropped the tape right after him nearly hitting Blair across the face.

“Hey!” Blair muttered in surprise as he stumbled back. Jim to turn around only to see the patrolman again lift the tape allowing Blair to cross.

“Everything alright, Chief?” Jim asked, anxious to move on.

MacGregor turned to Jim, “Sorry, Detective, tape slipped.”

Jim and MacGregor eyed each other for a moment, no expression on either face and then Jim turned to Blair.  
Blair didn’t need a big deal made out what was probably just a slip. He decided to let it go.

“Yeah, let’s go.” Blair moved to catch up with Jim but he was sure he heard a low snicker as he walked away.  
Jim glanced sideways at his partner. Naturally, he’d heard the snicker, too.

“What was that about, Chief?”

“Nothing I can’t handle, Jim. Let’s just get started, okay?”

Jim didn’t quite sigh out loud, but nodded in agreement. He knew he had to follow Blair’s lead. The man was still fighting to prove himself to the rest of the department and he couldn’t do that if Jim fought his battles for him. But he promised himself he would keep an eye on the new man.

Together the two detectives canvassed the scene. The victim had worked for the District Attorney’s office so it was highly probable that he had some enemies. Blair paused to take in the scene and then began to move around the area in relation to the spot where they knew the shot originated.

Jim knelt down near the body and tried to zero in on his sight, but found that he had trouble concentrating. Blair was looking around the area behind him, but Jim knew exactly where he was without looking. He was always aware of Blair’s location; the sound of his heart beat a steady rhythm that normally stayed below Jim’s level of awareness. Giving into a whim he let it rise to his consciousness until he felt it reverberate through his chest along with his own heartbeat and just as essential. It was comforting in a deep way that Jim couldn’t put words to.

Jim smiled slightly, oblivious to how inappropriate that particular expression was to his current location. Lately Jim had been coming to realization that his life couldn’t get any better and he gave credit for everything to Blair. It hadn’t been that long when he’d finally admitted to himself that he was in love with Blair. And along with that admission was the realization that he needed to do something about it. He wasn’t the type of guy to love from afar. He needed to tell Blair how he felt. The only problem was that he wasn’t sure how Blair would react. Neither of them had been dating much. They spent most of their off-duty time together and he’d never been so happy. But would he be destroying their relationship with his admission? No. He was sure that even if Blair didn’t love him back in the same way their friendship was strong enough to work this through. With that thought he vowed to himself that he would tell Blair. Just then a hand settled on his back startling him a bit.

“Jim, man, come out of it…come back to me.”

Jim shook his head and realized that instead of focusing on the case, he’d been sitting there thinking about Blair. And he’d been so deep in thought that Blair thought he’d zoned. With a slight shame-faced smile he turned and looked into the wide sapphire-blue eyes.

“I’m okay, just thinking…”

“Thinking? Man, I think you zoned,” Blair whispered urgently. Jim hadn’t zoned in months.

“No, Sandburg, really. I was just thinking.”

“Yeah? Well you could have fooled me. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine.” Jim smiled. More than fine, actually.

Blair looked at that smile he loved so much and returned it. “Alright. Did you find anything?”

“I don’t have anything here…no unusual scents …this place is clean.” He sighed heavily. They finished processing the site and moved to location where the shot originated. Blair looked out of the window to the spot where the victim had stood.

“How far do you make that shot, Jim?”

“Has to be around 700 yards.”

“That’s a heckuva shot to get him in the forehead. I’m going to check the FBIs records on sniper cases, maybe Interpol.”

 

Jim smiled down at his partner. It used to be that Blair accompanied him on the investigations to help him with his senses, but he’d always toss out observations which inevitably helped Jim solve the cases. Now Blair was a fully-trained detective, an equal in their partnership, and Jim couldn’t be happier. Having a highly competent partner that you trusted implicitly was everything. Well, almost.

They finished gathering what little evidence they had and decided to call it a day to wait on forensics to do their thing although Jim knew they wouldn’t find anything. This killer was thorough.

On their way home Jim told Blair that he needed to pick some things up. Blair nodded but asked to be dropped off so that he can get some work done on some papers.

Jim dropped Blair off and Blair watched the old blue and white truck drive away. Jim had been pretty quiet lately. And what could have had him so deep in thought that it looked like a zone? A zone while they were at a crime scene no less. He could feel the tension in the big man and it had him worried. They’d been together long enough that he knew when something was on Jim’s mind.

Awhile later Jim was busy making dinner. It was his turn to cook but he’d made a decision today and didn’t want to waste time so he worked to add the finishing touches to the special meal he’d prepared. Blair was busy grading papers for a class he taught at night and was quietly working in his room.

Blair leaned back in his chair and stretched. He was tired and the smell of some good food suddenly made his stomach rumble. Curious, he decided to see what Jim made. Coming out of his room he saw a beautifully made up table. Jim had bought flowers while he was out and they had been placed on the table along with some long white candles. If he didn’t know better, he’d think Jim was planning some seduction scene…or he had something difficult to say.

“Hey, Jim…what’s going on?” The more he looked, the more he began to worry. This whole setup looked too intense. “Got some hot date you forgot to tell me about?” He added jokingly even though he doubted it, neither of them had dated in over a year. But Blair’s mind again asked the question he most dreaded… was Jim trying to soften the blow before finally kicking him out for good? Blair’s stomach did a flip. Maybe it was finally time.

“Blair, I was just about to call you. And no, no one else will be here for dinner. How about opening that bottle of wine while I get the food?” Jim turned back to pick up the platter of steaks he’d prepared. The salad and rolls were already on the table.

Blair poured two glasses and steeled himself, waiting until Jim sat down before he asked. With a false brightness he asked, “So what’s the grand occasion?”

Jim could detect the increased heart rate and breathing, but he didn’t need sentinel senses to know that Blair was worried. One look at those gorgeous eyes told him that.

“Settle down, Chief. It’s nothing bad, I don’t think…” Jim trailed of, suddenly unsure of himself and wondering if Blair really would want to move out if he told him how he felt. Oh, fuck. He should never have started this.

“I got it, Jim,” Blair looked sadly at his best friend. “It’s time, isn’t it? I’ve been here for years instead of the week I promised. And it’s okay, man. In fact, I’ve already started looking for another place…”

What? “Another place? What the hell are you talking about? You are not leaving…!” Jim was now leaning over his plate, his blue eyes fierce.

Blair was astounded. “Then what…?”

Jim took a deep breath and realized how badly he’d approached this. But there was no way Sandburg was moving out and that was that. He just had to explain himself.

“Look. I probably should have said something sooner and…I wanted to but…God, I suck at this…”

“Just say it, Jim.”

“Blair, it’s just that I’ve come to realize…” Jim looked down at his plate and took a breath before starting again. Looking into Blair’s eyes he tried again. “I’ve come to realize that…I…uhh, care…well, damnit. IloveyouBlairSandburg.”

“What did you say?” Blair’s heart was thundering in his chest.

“Oh, God, I’ve fucked up, haven’t I? Now you probably will move out.” Jim looked away but was startled by Blair’s hands on his shoulders turning him around.

“Say it again!” At Jim’s astounded look, Blair repeated himself more quietly. “Say it again, Jim.”

Hope flared in Jim’s chest at the intent look in Blair’s eyes. He stood up and pulled Blair into his arms. “I love you, Blair Sandburg.”

“That’s what I thought you said,” Blair whispered as he pulled Jim’s head down for a kiss. “I love you, too, Big Guy.”


	3. Chapter 3

Jim looked over at his partner.  No, he corrected himself, his husband…well, at least in his heart.  Blair…he couldn’t seem to get enough of the sight and smell of the younger man.  He thought about their morning together, which had been just like every morning since that fateful dinner three days ago, and his heart sped up as remembered sensations of  Blair’s skin, his scent, and those incredible little sounds he made as Jim entered him slowly came flooding back.  He felt his groin begin to tighten at the thought of how incredibly hot and tight Blair was and how desperately he wanted to be buried deep inside of him again.  God, yes, the sex was fantastic, in fact it was the best he’d ever had but he had to be honest…it wasn’t everything.  He still found it hard to believe that Blair returned his feelings.  So much so that they’d exchanged quiet vows, just the two of them, on their second night together and the memory of that still took his breath away.  He’d only ever spoken those words once before with Carolyn, and even though he really did love her, it paled in comparison to what he felt for Blair.  God, he loved that man so much!  It took a moment but the realization that Blair was looking back at him with a small smile on his face let him know that Blair knew exactly what Jim was thinking about.  He answered the smile with one of his own before he turned back to the report he was supposed to be reading.

 

“Ellison, Sandburg, my office!”  The familiar bark rang through the bullpen and both men stood as one and walked into Simon’s office.

 

“Yes, Sir?”  Jim stood in front of Simon’s desk while Blair moved to sit at the table.

 

“Jim, what is going on with the Pierson case?  I have the DA’s office all over me for answers.”

 

“I’m sorry, Sir, but the fact is that we can’t seem to find anything on the killer so far.  Forensics has come up empty.  The DA’s office hasn’t given us anything on the cases Mr. Pierson was working that would give any clue as to why he was shot.”

 

“That’s right, Captain,” Blair piped in.  “We’ve gone over every case he was working on as well as all the cases he’s closed in the past year.  They were all closed cleanly and the guys he put away are still put away.  He’s clean in his personal life, no financial issues, no stress or strain in his marriage or at the office. He seemed to have the ideal life…”

 

“Yeah, except that he doesn’t _have_ a life anymore!”  Simon rubbed a hand over his face.  “Are you trying to tell me that this go-getter Assistant DA had no enemies at all?  Nothing to justify his murder?”

 

Jim leaned back against the table and crossed his arms.  “That’s exactly what we’re saying Simon, as improbable as that sounds.  We’re still running some cross-checks on a reference to a possible safety deposit box.  Pierson’s secretary remembers a phone call from a bank that she took a message about but can’t seem to remember what bank it was.  We’ve gone through all his personal papers and can’t find anything to verify that he had a box anywhere.”

 

“Jim, tell me you have something else you’re checking on…anything I can give the DA’s office to get them off my back…”

 

“The only thing I can tell you, Simon, is that he was shot with a .308.  We’ve located the location the sniper used based on trajectories, but the place was clean.  No prints and the shooter policed his brass.  The only thing I can tell you is that it was a professional hit.”

 

“That’s just great.  But you have no idea why anyone would pay to have him killed, right?”

 

Both Jim and Blair shook their heads, each man equally hating having so little to give their Captain.  They were interrupted by Joel coming to the door.

 

“Sorry to interrupt, Simon.  Jim you’ve got a call.  Marie Simmons.  She says it’s important.”

 

“Thanks, Joel.  Captain, that’s Pierson’s secretary…”

 

“Yeah, go.  Find me something…”  Simon said as he waved them out. 

 

Blair followed Jim out of the office and then listened to Jim’s half of the conversation.  It sounded like she remembered the name of the bank.  He heard Jim say that they’d meet Marie at her home in 20 minutes.  He grabbed both of their coats, tossing Jim’s to him as soon as he was off the phone.

 

“Are you sure this is the address?”  Blair asked as they drove up to the darkened house. 

 

“Yeah, and we’re right on time but maybe she’s late.”

 

“I don’t know, Jim.  Feels kind of funny.  Let’s take a look.”

 

Jim looked at his partner.  He’d teased Blair before about developing his own ‘spidey-sense’, but his own instincts were tingling, too.  With a nod he stepped out of the truck.  Without a word the men separated, each one taking one side of the house, checking in windows and scoping out the yard as they moved.  There was plenty of light from the streetlamp.  Jim heard a slight rustle and stilled, he zeroed in on the sound and knew someone was waiting.  He moved forward but the person pulled back and moved away, straight towards Blair’s location.

 

“Blair…towards you!”  He shouted in warning but almost immediately heard the whisper of a shot and then the roar of a second shot.  He ran forward and nearly tripped on a body.  It was Blair.  He was bleeding from a head wound.

 

He zeroed in and nearly cried in relief when he heard and felt Blair’s pulse.  He grabbed for his cell phone to call for an ambulance for a downed officer, all the while hearing the shooter get away.   Jim used his handkerchief to staunch the blood flow while he kept up a whispered litany.

 

“It’s alright, baby, I’m here.  I’ll take care of you.  You’re gonna be fine…”  He felt around Blair’s head but couldn’t find any evidence of an exit wound and felt his stomach flip.  The bullet was still in there somewhere.

 

“The ambulance is here, Chief, you’re going to be alright…”

 

Jim looked up in gratitude as the paramedics came carrying their gear.  “He was shot in the head…no exit wound.”  And although Jim’s voice was calm, he couldn’t seem to move his hand from where he held the handkerchief to the blood-matted curls. 

 

One of the medics moved to add an additional dressing to the wound and tried to move Jim’s hand but Jim didn’t move.  He tried grabbing him by the wrist and Jim used his other hand to grasp the medic’s upper arm.  “He’s my partner…”  Then the words seemed to get stuck in his throat and he couldn’t say anymore, couldn’t tell them that they had to save Blair because Blair was everything to him…couldn’t tell them that he loved him.  Then Simon was there pulling him away.

 

“It’s okay, Jim, they’ll take good care of him.”  When Jim didn’t respond and couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the scene in front of him, Simon stepped in between.

 

“Detective Ellison, report!”  The barked command seemed to break through the shock and Jim turned to Simon.  After a deep breath he related everything that had happened.  A few moments later a uniformed officer told them that they had another body inside of the house.  It was Marie Simmons and she’d been shot once, center forehead. 


	4. Chapter 4

Simon carried the coffee to the man hunched over holding his head.  Blair was still in surgery, had been for over two hours now and both Simon and Jim were going crazy.  Jim accepted the coffee but didn’t raise his head. 

 

“He’s going to be alright, Jim.  The kid’s a fighter…”

 

“Yeah, he is, Simon.  He’s incredible…”  Jim trailed off.  “I can’t lose Blair again, Simon.  That time at the fountain… _God!_ ”  Jim dropped his head back into his hand. 

 

“He’s going to be fine, Jim.  Just you wait and see…” 

 

But Simon also remembered that time they’d almost lost Blair.  Had lost him, in fact, but somehow, someway Jim had brought him back.  Simon knew that as a fact deep inside of him.  He also understood that there was more to the friendship between these two men, between his two very good friends, than what they let everyone see and he hoped to hell they’d be able to continue that.  He could see how good they were for each other.

 

It was nearly two hours later and Jim was frantic when the doctor finally came out.  But one look at his eyes told them it wasn’t good.  The bullet had lodged in Blair’s brain.  It had been tricky, but they were able to remove it.  However Blair had had a stroke during surgery and had slipped into a coma.  They could see clotting and some additional damage on the scans, but they couldn’t treat him until he stabilized.  And they wouldn’t know the extent of the damage until Blair woke up. 

 

Jim pushed the chair a bit closer to the bed so that he could hold Blair’s hand more comfortably then he sat and pushed backwards in the high-backed chair until he was fully reclined.  He passed a hand over tired eyes and dropped his arm over them.  He listened to the steady beep of the monitors and tightened his grip on the lax fingers a bit more.  He’d talked to his lover until he’d gone hoarse, slept, and then woke up to talk to him some more.  It’s been three days now and still Blair showed no signs of awakening. 

 

Naomi had come and gone, her blue eyes…eyes so much like those he loved…shot fire at him, blaming him for the condition her son was in.  And Jim agreed with her.  He’d let his partner, his lover, down at the scene.  He knew, hell, _Blair_ had known something was hinky when they gotten there.  He should have called for backup, should have listened harder before moving closer, should have…what?  He didn’t know but still he blamed himself although it seemed no one else but Naomi did.  Maybe it had been too much for her…to learn about Blair’s injury on one hand but to also find out that Jim had failed to protect his _husband_ on the other.

 

To be honest, though, his own family hadn’t taken his new relationship any better.  His father had hung up on him and his brother refused to believe him.  Fortunately, he’d made those calls on his own.  Blair had no idea that Jim’s family didn’t support their relationship.

 

God… _Naomi._   She’d also been very vocal about her negative opinion of Jim and Blair getting married and had continued her monologue throughout the entire trip to the hospital.  She loved her son and supported whoever he decided to love, even if it was a jack-booted pig…but to get _married?_   She refused to believe that Blair would subjugate himself to the dated idea of life-long commitment and vowed that once he was better she’d talk him out of any formal attachments.  She completely disregarded their personal vows.

 

The only thing good about Blair being in a coma right now was that he hadn’t been a witness to the scene Naomi had caused at the hospital.  Once she’d been apprised of his condition, she demanded that Jim get away from her son but Jim had refused to budge and the hospital supported his right to be there.  Jim was Blair’s healthcare proxy at Cascade General and Jim had a copy of the document back at the loft giving him the authority to make health decisions for Blair anywhere else.  It was one of the things they’d done several years before when Blair had begun riding full-time with Jim.  Blair had given it to Jim because his mother was often so hard to contact.  Jim, on the other hand, still had his father and brother in Cascade should anything critical happen to him.  But after this, Jim was going to make sure Blair had his back on all medical decisions, too, and he began to speak out loud to his very still lover. 

 

“That’s right, baby.  We’ll take care of all the legal stuff like wills and everything as soon as we get married for real, as big a ceremony as you want.”  And that thought brought a smile to the strained face.  “Once you’re better we’ll fly to Massachusetts and get married legally.  Of course it wouldn’t be legal anywhere else in the states, but I need that level of commitment with you, Blair.  I want a formal paper that says you belong to me just like I belong to you.” 

 

Still smiling he reached out to run his hand down Blair’s face.  He needed another shave.  Blair hated having whiskers because he said it itched too much.  Jim would take care of that for him.  Just then he heard someone clear their throat.  It was Simon and Jim wondered briefly how much he’d heard and then he smiled a welcome.  It didn’t matter.  Simon was his friend and if he couldn’t tell him how much Blair meant to him then he didn’t deserve to have Blair at his side.

 

“Just one thing, Jim.  And I’ll deny I ever said this, but I wish you both the best.  You deserve to be happy.”

 

“So why deny it, then?” 

 

“Because if I officially acknowledge you two I’ll have to break you up as a team.  You’re the best I have and you’re both my friends.  I want you two to be happy and I want me happy…and that can only be if we keep quiet about this which I am willing to do to keep you two assigned together.  So as far as I’m concerned, my two best detectives just happen to be roommates, okay?  And I promise to approve any leave if they feel a need to fly across the country once Blair is better.”

 

Jim breathed in deeply.  He was a realist enough to know that it was going to have to be this way, but he was still grateful to have Simon’s approval.  He smiled and nodded at the big man and put his hand out to shake Simon’s warmly.

 

“So, how’s he doing?  Any sign of coming out of it?”

 

“No, not yet.  The doctor said the most recent scan looked better so he’s getting better…but they just don’t know.  He said Blair will come around when he’s ready.”

 

Simon just nodded.  It was what he was afraid of.  “Jim…”

 

Jim gave Simon a sharp look.  He should have noticed Simon’s body language before now, damnit.

 

“You’re here to tell me I have to go back to work…”

 

“I’m sorry, Jim.  But the Pierson case is still open, that killer is still out there…”

 

“I need Sandburg with me, you know that…and you know _why_ …”

 

Yes, he did.  Simon knew that Jim had trouble using his senses too much if Sandburg wasn’t with him.  The kid had called it zoning out when he focused too much on any one sense.

 

“I know, Jim.  But I need you as a detective.  Even as just a normal detective you’re still one of the best and you know the workload we have.  I’m sorry, but I need you back, even if you’re sleeping here every night.”

 

Jim sighed.  Simon was right about the job and he was also right about him staying here at night.  There was no way he’d be able to sleep away from the sound of Blair’s heartbeat, the soft sigh of his breaths.  Not to mention the fact that Naomi had left on her own to go back to the loft to get her things, refusing after the entire debacle there at the hospital to even consider staying at the loft.  Jim gave a sigh of relief.  He definitely wanted to stay away from her so he wouldn’t even make the trip back to the loft until tomorrow morning just to shower and shave and get to work.

 

Two days later, the man walked down the hall when he saw the big cop leave for the morning.  It was about time.  He’d been waiting, watching for a moment when the small man would finally be alone but it was like the big cop was glued to the smaller man’s side.  It was nearly time for shift change which meant that once the nurses were done making their rounds he’d have his chance to see just what the status of the small man was.  Daytime was too unpredictable between the nurses and constant stream of technicians and testing.  He waited and when the nurses moved on he slipped in to the room. 

 

It was quiet, the still figure on the bed made no sound as he approached.  He knew he’d aimed for the small man’s head.  He always did but having him raise his own gun at him must have thrown his aim off slightly.  The man was disgusted with himself.  He’d never missed a shot before, never failed in a kill.  So now not only had the small man lived, he’d even gotten a shot off of his own and that was intolerable.  He shrugged his shoulder letting the pain fuel his determination to get the better of the small man.  But first he wanted to know just what damage he had done.  He picked up the medical chart and reviewed the patient’s status.   Coma, stroke during surgery, prognosis unknown until consciousness is regained.  Not bad but not enough.  He moved towards the bed.  This wasn’t his preferred way of doing business but he had no choice.  He couldn’t afford to have the man awaken, possibly able to identify him.  His job required absolute anonymity.  He took a step closer but then spun around as the door opened.

 

“Sir, visiting hours aren’t until ten…”

 

“Of course.  I’m sorry…” he mumbled as he made a supposedly embarrassed exit passed the nurse.  He made his way out of the hospital, annoyed that the opportunity was lost.  The next one wouldn’t be until after shift change tomorrow morning because the cop would again be at the hospital right after his duty shift ended.  He was considering his options when his phone rang.  Damnit!  He spoke briefly with the caller and then closed his cell.  What he’d been told would take him out of the area for at least two weeks and he had to leave immediately.  He sighed. It seemed as though fate had again interceded on the small man’s behalf.  He was more accepting of that than he normally would be based on what he’d read in the medical chart, but he’d make his own determination of that upon his return. 


	5. Chapter 5

Jim walked into the bullpen and was immediately surrounded by all of his coworkers, everyone wanting to know Blair’s condition.  Jim gave them the rundown and tried not to let their shocked and saddened faces get to him.  He was saved by Simon calling him into the office to let him know that IA had cleared him during the shooting.  Hell, Blair even got a good review.  He’d gotten a shot off despite being shot himself.  Blair’s bullet was found lodged in the house trim behind the suspect and they had a sample of the killer’s blood and the casing from the gun he’d used to shoot Blair not to mention the matching slugs from both Blair and Marie.  Unfortunately, there still wasn’t any evidence connecting the two murders.  The killer had used a 9mm on Blair and Marie and a .308 on Pierson.

 

Jim got back into the case and started digging into the possibility of there being a safety deposit box.  He started by going back to the DA’s office to go through Pierson’s papers again.  And despite the danger of doing this on his own he slowly ran his hands over Pierson’s date book and every note pad on the desk.  He did the same with Pierson’s briefcase.  Unfortunately, the briefcase held a small notepad that had seen a lot of use.  Jim began feeling for indentations of various notes.  He was concentrating so hard that he didn’t realize he’d zoned until someone from the secretarial pool started to shake him. 

 

“Detective!  Detective, are you alright?”  The woman was about ready to dial 911 when the large man finally responded to her. 

 

Jim looked around and realized that it had grown dark outside.  The secretary had been working late and was shutting down the office when she noticed the light still on.  She came in and found Jim staring down at a pad of paper. 

 

“I’m sorry…I was just really deep in thought.”  Jim got up from the desk.  He’d been there for hours and he hadn’t found anything worthwhile.  And now he would have to come back to finish checking out the rest of the office as well as Marie’s desk because it was time for him to go to the hospital.

 

Jim escorted her through the office while she checked everything and they parted after she locked the doors.  He sighed tiredly as he got into his truck.  He now had a huge headache but he was sure it would go away once he was near Blair.  With that as his only positive thought, he drove to Cascade General.

 

The next day, with Joel backing him up, Jim again went to the DA’s office.  Being very careful not to go too deeply into his focus, Jim looked through everything on Marie’s desk while Joel continued to check out the rest of Pierson’s office.  Jim had just checked the message pad and found nothing when he looked into the trashcan.  There were still a few papers since the janitorial staff had been told not to clean until they had the go-ahead from the police.  In the trashcan he found an old message pad.  It had one slip left that had been partially written on and then crossed out.  He looked closely at the paper and then ran his fingers over it.  There it was.  A message from the WF Bank.  In the body of the message he was able to make out the words deposit box.  Finally!  Now he could get a warrant to look for a safety deposit box at the Washington Federal Bank.  

 

En route to WF with warrant in hand they heard a radio call regarding a hostage situation.  Jim hit the siren.  

 

“That’s two blocks over…” he said as he slammed on the breaks and did a 180 to go back to the last intersection.  Joel immediately jumped on the radio to say they were responding.

 

When they got there Jim and Joel jumped out of the truck to find H and Rafe already there.  Joel, as senior, took control outside.  The quick run-down from H was that a woman was being held hostage by her husband.  Turns out she had had an affair and both she and her lover were caught in the act.  The hostage negotiator was en route.  Suddenly another shot rang out from inside the house followed by a scream from the woman.  Jim, H, and Rafe fanned out around the building.

 

Jim moved in towards the front, calling out to the man inside as Rafe and H went around back.  Jim had his hearing up listening for the location of the shooter.  He could hear the man towards the back of the house so he moved through the front room carefully, his gun up.  He saw a body but then ducked behind the couch at a noise to his left and saw a man with a gun run to the back room.  H showed up, his gun aimed at the same doorway the man had jumped through and Jim strained to hear what was going on in the room.  H turned and said something to Jim and suddenly he realized that he couldn’t hear what H is saying.  His hearing was off-line.  H began gesturing towards him and talking.  Jim surmised from gestures that H planned for both of them to break through the door.  Jim nodded.  They moved forward and Jim went low as H kicked in the door just in time to see the man aim at the woman.  Both H and Jim yelled at him to drop his weapon.  The man began yelling back but Jim couldn’t hear what he was saying.  Suddenly the man turned away from the woman.  Jim took that moment to jump him and wrestle him to the floor.  It wasn’t until he turned that he realized Rafe had jumped out causing the man to turn giving Jim a chance.  Rafe then jumped towards the woman, covering her with his body. 

 

It only took moments for H to cuff the man.  Rafe had the crying woman so Jim turned and walked out to lean against his truck desperately trying to adjust his hearing.  He took some deep breaths the way Blair had taught him.  After a few quiet moments, his hearing came back on line at a very low level.  He didn’t realize anyone was talking to him until he felt a hand on his arm.  It was Simon.  Jim had no idea when he showed up or what was happening. 

 

“Jim…Jim!  What is going on, man?” 

 

“It’s my hearing, Simon.  I lost it for a bit but I can hear you, now.  Is everything all right in there?”  Jim asked as he gestured towards the house.

 

“Yeah, it’s covered.  Damnit, Jim, how long have your senses been acting up?  H says you barely followed what was happening in there.”

 

Jim remained silent.  That whole situation could have gone horribly wrong.  They were lucky, no thanks to Jim. 

 

“Jim, we’re going to have to talk about this.” 

 

Jim just nodded.  He knew he needed to be taken off the street.  He thought back to when the Switchman first came on the scene.  He had no control over his senses then, either, and he thought he was going insane.  It was Blair that explained what was going on.  And it had been Blair that had helped him get it all under control.  And now, without Blair, he was losing it again. 

 

Simon saw the slumped shoulders.  Simon had no choice and Jim knew it. 

 

“I want your report on my desk by noon tomorrow, got that?  Okay, Jim.  So now you are going to go to the hospital to check on Blair.  After that you’re at your desk.”  He saw Jim’s nod and placed his hand on the broad shoulder and squeezed.  He hated having to pull Jim off the street. 

 

Jim just looked at him, gratitude in his eyes and he again nodded.  Yes, he needed to see his guide, even if his guide was lost in his own internal world.


	6. Chapter 6

Jim helped Blair sit up a bit so that he could sip his juice.  It has been three days since Blair had awakened from his coma.  Three days of testing which both confused and frightened Blair.  Jim held the cup and looked down at his husband, because despite everything Jim did consider Blair his husband…he had vowed for better or worse, through sickness and health and he fully intended to keep that vow. 

 

Blair finished his drink and laid back to continue his favorite activity, namely, examining everything about Jim.  Right now he was scrutinizing everything about Jim’s hand.  He ran the fingers of his good right hand over every square millimeter, tugged lightly at every little hair and followed the whorls of his fingerprints.  He was lightly tracing Jim’s lifeline when the door opened and Blair’s doctor came in.  Jim’s stomach tightened at the serious expression on the doctor’s face and Blair suddenly whimpered.  Jim looked down but he hadn’t tightened his hand or anything.  He figured Blair was either afraid of the doctor or he sensed Jim’s sudden rise in tension.  Blair had always been pretty empathic and that capability seemed to increase even as his cognitive function had done the opposite.  He held onto Blair’s hand warmly as he greeted the doctor but he had to ask.

 

“It doesn’t look like good news, doc.  What have you got?”

 

Dr. Pauley pulled up a chair and sat down, noting as Mr. Sandburg shifted closer to the big detective that his thumb had found its way into his mouth.  This wasn’t going to be easy.

 

“Both the bullet and the stroke during surgery caused quite a bit of damage as you can tell. There is also some additional clotting showing up on the scan.  We don’t believe it’s in Mr. Sandburg’s best interest to operate again so we have him on blood thinners and anti-clotting agents.  In time, that clot should shrink and disappear altogether.  It’s something we’ll just have to keep an eye on.

 

“Currently Mr. Sandburg has lost much of his cognitive function and some physical capability.  I believe he will begin to speak again and he does understand simple instructions but we really need to do more tests before we can determine if this condition is permanent or will improve over time.  We can start physical therapy for the partial paralysis of his left arm and leg.  With time and effort, he should regain the full use of both limbs.”

 

“What do you mean permanent or will improve?  Are you saying he won’t be able to re-learn what he’s lost or will he eventually be able to access those parts of his brain again?”

 

Jim felt a hole open up in his world.  Blair had awakened from his coma in a nearly infantile state.  Would he have to “grow up” all over again?  And when he did, would he be the same Blair that he loved?  Would Blair still love him?

 

“I’m afraid we just don’t know, yet.  There are some more tests we need to run before we can determine a prognosis.  Mr. Sandburg will…”

 

“It’s Doctor…”

 

“I’m sorry…?”

 

“It’s Doctor Sandburg.  He has a Ph.D. in Anthropology.  And he’s a detective with the Cascade Police Department.  He’s my partner and…and my husband…”  Jim took a deep breath and looked down at the beloved blue eyes as Blair reached up to pat him on the face, Jim’s eyes filling with tears as the enormity of what lay ahead of them sank in.

 

“Of course…forgive me…”  But both men were interrupted by Blair.

 

“J-Jem? Nuh..nuh…”  Blair wiped at the moisture on Jim’s face, confusion and sadness clouding his face.

 

A smile broke out across Jim’s face at Blair’s first words.  He could speak…

 

“I’m okay, baby, everything’s going to be alright…”  And for the first time in days he truly felt the glimmer of hope.  He looked at the doctor.  “We do whatever we need to.  Blair’s going to get better.”

 

The doctor nodded at the fierce determination on the hard face.  Detective Ellison could very well be right.

  


* * *


	7. Chapter 7

Blair held onto Jim’s hand as he repeated the words the therapist used to name the objects on the card.  Jim was again on sick leave so that he could stay with Blair throughout the day.  For those tests Jim couldn’t sit with Blair, Blair had to be sedated.  There was no explaining what was happening since Blair didn’t seem to understand most of what was going on.  But he was generally happy and interested in everything, the sunny, open expression on his face bringing a smile to everyone who interacted with him.  And he more than made up for his initial loss of speech.

 

Over time as his mental connections seemed to reform, he began to speak more and more and began to remember bits and pieces of his life before although he still had some problems with enunciation.  It was especially amusing whenever he spouted some obscure and unrelated anthropological fact during his running monologues, something that both Simon and Jim stated wasn’t much different from how he was before. 

Blair stopped in his recitation of objects and looked down into his lap.  “Uh-oh…”

 

“Are you alright, Blair?”  The therapist couldn’t keep from smiling at every utterance from her patient.  He truly was a joy to be around.  She wished she’d known him before his accident but judging from the concerned look of his friend, maybe not.  The big, handsome detective seemed very possessive.

 

“You okay, Chief?”  Jim brought a large hand across Blair’s shoulder and rubbed the back of his head.  The bandages had been removed leaving the large horseshoe shaped incision over the side of his head visible.  The rest of Blair’s hair had been shaved off leaving him completely bald.  Jim ran his fingers over the short stubble, a light massaging action that Blair seemed to enjoy.  Jim was pretty sure he knew what had just happened.  Blair was working on his potty training but still had some accidents so he continued to wear a diaper.  That fact didn’t seem to faze him.

 

“Ak-ci-dent…U’m so-ree…”  Blair slurred slightly because of the droop on the left side of his mouth.

 

The therapist smiled again.  “That’s alright, Blair.  We’re finished here for today.  I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

 

Blair gave her an enthusiastic nod as Jim smiled and nodded politely then moved to stand behind Blair’s wheelchair.  “Here we go, Chief.  I’ll get you all cleaned up.”

 

“Fast, Jem…guh fast!”

 

Jim chuckled and gave in.  He laughed outright as Blair squealed when he picked up the speed.  He couldn’t go as fast as Blair wanted because they were still in the hospital, but it was enough to make Blair happy and that’s all Jim cared about.

 

When they got back to Blair’s room they saw that Naomi was back.  Jim greeted her quietly and she nodded stiffly in return.  Blair, on the other hand, called out a cheery “Mommm!”

 

Naomi laughed. Blair was so like he was when he was two.  “How’s my sweet boy, hmmm?”

 

“Good, good, good, good…”  Blair sing-songed as Jim helped him onto the bed.  The blood thinners and anti-clotting drugs tended to make him a little dizzy.

 

“I have to clean him up a bit, Naomi.  Maybe you could wait outside for a moment?”

 

Jim wasn’t surprised to see the glare and the set look to her face.

 

“ _I’m_ his mother.  I’ll take care of whatever he needs…”  She looked down but didn’t see what needed cleaning.

 

“I need to change his diaper, Naomi.  Is that something you want to take care of?”  Jim made the offer stoically as Blair continued his litany. 

 

“Nuh mess, jus wet, wet, wet…”

 

Naomi was dismayed.  She wasn’t aware that Blair was back in diapers but it did make sense…

 

“Of course I’ll take care of it.  You can wait outside.”

 

Jim nodded and moved towards the door only to be stopped by a wail.

 

“I’ll be right outside while your Mom cleans you up, okay Chief?”

 

“NUUUUH!”  Blair reached out with his good arm, his eyes wide with fear. 

 

Jim knew this would happen.  Blair always refused to let Jim leave his side.  It was something that concerned him most of the time, but right now he couldn’t help feeling a bit of satisfaction.

 

Blair’s emotions always remained close to the surface and although he was generally happy, just the thought of Jim leaving him sent him into a panic.  He began to hyperventilate so Jim moved back to his side and he calmed down.

 

Naomi was shocked at first but then became angry as Blair made his preference known.

 

“Fine, you do it.  But I’ll wait right over here.”  Naomi was angry and jealous.  She didn’t like Jim having this much control over her son.  They really weren’t married…and even if they were married, it wasn’t legally recognized in this state.  And it was Jim’s fault that Blair had been hurt in the first place.  She stared morosely out of the window until Jim let her know he was done.

 

“So, Naomi, how are you?”  For Blair’s sake, Jim was determined to be polite.  “Are you planning on staying long?”  He had a sinking feeling that Naomi had been called by the doctor.  He knew that the final test results were back.

 

“Dr. Pauley called me to discuss Blair’s condition.  Plus I wanted to give him this.” 

 

There’d been several occasions when Naomi would surprise Jim.  Things like her acting ability when she’d helped them with the ring of car thieves.  Or things like her whacked out belief in, well…just about everything…psychics being one of them, but when she produced the dark brown teddy bear with curly hair he was at a loss for words.  In his mind, Naomi and mothering didn’t exactly fit into the same sentence, but still, he felt his heart melt just a little bit.

 

“He had one just like this when he was little.  He really loved it, wouldn’t go anywhere without it but it got lost somewhere during one of our moves.  I really had to work with him to teach him the freedom of letting go of personal possessions…”

 

Jim nodded, tension tightening the muscles of his shoulders.  Yup, she was back at square one in his mind.  _One of their moves…  Jesus!_   He imagined a lonely and crying little boy as she dragged him out of yet another stable environment and probably even tore the toy out of his hands herself…  Jim turned away until he could force himself to calm down.  No, Naomi was self-centered and neglectful but she wasn’t mean.  He turned back to see the shining eyes of his husband as he stroked the soft toy.  _This one won’t get lost, Chief.  I promise it won’t._

 

Jim let Blair play as he waited.  The doctor would be there soon and he had to come to a decision.  He’d already discussed the options with Dr. Pauley since Blair would need to be moved to a facility that could better handle long-term rehabilitative care.  There were two choices, The Cascade Rehabilitation Center, an out-patient therapy center, and The Logan Institute for Rehabilitative Therapy, an in-patient care facility which was two hours outside of Cascade.  Both were good choices but it was obvious to Jim which one worked better for him…and hopefully better for Blair.  Both were covered by PD insurance since Blair was shot in the line of duty.  But Jim had to go back to work soon and he wanted Blair close by.  Logan’s distance would prevent him from seeing Blair except on weekends, a situation that he didn’t think either of them would be able to tolerate.

 

A short while later Dr. Pauley presented the same options to Naomi that he’d given to Jim.  She said that she would think about it and get back to Dr. Pauley.  She left after giving Blair a quick hug and a kiss and then Dr. Pauley left also.  But her words struck a chord of worry in Jim.  It suddenly occurred to him that he had Blair’s medical proxy at Cascade General only.  He needed the original document to present to any other medical facility. 

 

He couldn’t leave Blair’s side so he pulled out his cell phone and called Simon.  Simon had a key to the loft and he could get the document for Jim and meet him at the hospital.  Jim waited on pins and needles to hear back from Simon while Blair watched TV, his teddy bear held firmly in his arms.    


* * *


	8. Chapter 8

It was time for Blair’s session so Jim pushed while the nurse’s aide accompanied them down to the physical therapy room.  Between the therapist and Jim, they got Blair onto the parallel bars.  By tucking a crutch under his left armpit and holding on to the bar with his right hand, Blair managed to walk several steps.  Both the therapist and Jim gave encouragement with every step but Blair tired quickly and, like any child, once he reached that point it was difficult to get him to do anything other than pout, which was, quite frankly, something Jim found totally adorable.  But he did get tired and he had done well so they moved to the next phase of his therapy which involved working with his left hand and arm.  He tended to keep his arm curled close to his chest.  They’d just begun loosening the muscles when Jim’s phone rang.  He excused himself and took the call.  It was Simon.

 

“It’s not there, Jim.  I’ve looked through everything I can think of.  Could you have put it in a safety deposit box anywhere?”

 

“No, Simon.  It was in the fire-proof lockbox in my closet.  I know it was there.  Someone must have taken it…”

 

“Who, Jim?  It’s no good to anyone else…”

 

“I’m sure it was Naomi, Simon.  She’s angry with me because I let Blair get hurt…”

 

“Dammit, Jim…it wasn’t your fault!”

 

“I know that, Simon.  Really I do, but the fact is that he was hurt when he was with me, doing police work that she hates because of me.  Hell, Simon, she’s even mad because Blair and I consider ourselves married which is an institution she completely abhors…”

 

“Jesus, Jim.  So what does this mean for the two of you?”

 

“I have to convince her to keep Blair in Cascade and not Logan’s…”

 

“Logan Institute?  Out in Deerfolk?  Man that’s two hours away…!”

 

“I know.  And you know how Blair is right now.  I can’t leave his side…”

 

“Jim, I don’t know what to tell you…you’ve used nearly all your leave as it is.  How long will Blair need therapy?”

 

“I don’t know, Simon, but I have to work something out here.  Look I’ve got to go.  Thanks for trying, okay?   Yeah, I’ll let you know…”  With that Jim hung up and looked back at the man he loved, the man he needed by his side, and worried. What was Naomi up to?

 

It didn’t take long for him to find out.  Naomi showed up before Blair was done with his session and pulled Jim into a corner of the room.  She never came out and said it, but she demanded proof that Jim had Blair’s medical proxy and Jim knew he couldn’t produce it.  God, he’d never hated anyone more than her at that moment.

 

“Naomi, please reconsider this.  You’ll only hurt Blair more if you force a separation.  Maybe you could move into the loft with us, you could stay and help take care of him.”

 

She claimed she couldn’t, but Jim knew she really meant she wouldn’t because she simply didn’t want to.  After all, she’d done it to Blair his entire life.  She was a great mother when she was there, but her interest was always transitory.  If something new came along she’d find someplace to drop Blair off and then leave.  It was something he’d already discussed with Blair’s psychiatrist. 

 

The fact that Blair wouldn’t let Jim leave his side at all had prompted Dr. Pauley to ask for a consultation with the psychiatric department.  Through minimal discussions with Blair and whatever Jim could fill in they determined that Blair has a deep-seated fear of being abandoned.  And Jim blamed Naomi for that.  But the fact remained, Jim couldn’t stay at home all day, he needed to go to work. 

 

“Jim, I’ve decided to transfer Blair to the Logan Institute.”

 

Blair kept looking at them, making sure they didn’t leave the room but he could feel the tension although he didn’t know what they’re talking about.  He stopped playing with the therapist and the little ball, instead grabbing Teddy desperately to his chest as he tried to understand what was happening.  All he knew was that he didn’t like it.  His thumb went into his mouth automatically as he watched the most important person in the world to him with worried eyes.

 

“Logan’s!  That’s two hours out of town.  Naomi, you said you’d try to stay for awhile, help take care of him…”

 

“I know, but I can’t stay.  I just can’t…there’s a retreat I promised I’d attend…”

 

“A retreat!  Damnit, Naomi…Blair needs you…I need you.  I know this situation is intense, but can’t you put it off for awhile?”

 

“No, I can’t.  You’ll be able to see him on weekends, Jim.  I’m sorry, but I don’t see any other way!  Blair is so attached to you and I understand that, but it’s not like you can take him to work with you.  Besides, I won’t allow it.  That’s how he got hurt in the first place.”

 

“Naomi, I can’t let you lock him up in some place without anyone around that he knows.  Naomi, he’s my husband…maybe not legally, but he is in my heart and you’re keeping him away from me!”  Jim stopped his intense words once he smelled the salt of tears.  He looked back at Blair who was staring at them with tears running down his face.

 

Jim left Naomi and rushed to Blair who reached out with his one good arm, fingers frantically opening and closing.  “Jem, Jem!”

 

“I’m here, baby, I’m here.”  Jim wrapped his arms around Blair and Blair buried his head into Jim’s neck.  Jim turned to glare at Naomi.

 

“I’m sorry, Jim.  I truly am.  But I’m his mother and I think that this is best for him.” 

 

“His mother!  Damnit, Naomi, it’s your fault he has abandonment issues!”  Jim was too incensed to care what his words did to Naomi but stopped when Blair let out a wail. 

 

“I’m sorry Jim,” Naomi said to his back as she walked out of the door.  


* * *


	9. Chapter 9

It was Sunday and Blair was being transported to the new hospital by ambulance.    Jim rode along with him, Simon and Joel following by car.  Blair was having fun, especially every time the ambulance took a turn.  He and Teddy apparently found the motion of riding in a vehicle while laying down very exciting.  Jim and the paramedic couldn’t help but smile at Blair’s excitement but the smile didn’t really reach Jim’s eyes.  He would have to leave Blair there and didn’t know if he could do it. 

 

They got to hospital and settled Blair into his room.  The doctor was aware of his issues and had a sedative ready.  Blair bounced excitedly in his chair with Teddy clutched tightly in his right arm as he was wheeled around.  Jim pushed him along as the orderly showed them all of the activities that Blair would be involved in.  Jim smiled sadly down at Blair.  He was happy and excited now but Jim knew the time was coming when they would be asking Jim to leave.  The doctor walked up and placed his hand on Jim’s shoulder, an understanding look on his face which did nothing to ease the pain in Jim’s heart.

 

Simon and Joel watched from the doorway as Jim squatted next to Blair’s wheelchair. 

 

“Hey, baby,” Jim spoke softly.  He was trying to maintain, but his heart was breaking.  “You know I love you, right?”

 

“Love ‘ou, Jem.”  Blair slurred back with a huge smile. 

 

Jim didn’t want to say anything, but he refused to just walk away without an explanation.

 

“Blair, I have to go back to work, but I’ll be able to see you on Saturday, okay?”

 

Blair smiled back, not understanding that Jim was saying goodbye.

 

“I’ll be back.  I promise, okay?”  Blair’s smile faded away as he sensed Jim’s anguish.

 

“Jem?”

 

“I’ll see you later, honey.  I promise.”  Jim stood up and backed away already seeing Blair’s panic.  He quickly turned and rushed passed Simon and Joel to get out of the door.  He heard Blair’s screams starting behind him and he glanced back to see Blair struggling out of his wheelchair, two orderlies trying to hold him down.  He was screaming Jim’s name, his one good arm stretched out to him.  Teddy had fallen to the floor.  He almost turned back but Simon and Joel are there, holding his arms.

 

“We’ve got to go, Jim.  You know it has to be this way.”  Simon’s heart broke at the tears he saw in his friend’s eyes. 

 

“Come on, Jim.  We’ve got to get you out of here.”  Joel pulled on Jim’s arms and together with Simon they half dragged, half carried Jim out of the hospital. 

 

Jim pulled himself out of their hands and ran out of the building ahead of Simon and Joel in an attempt to escape the screams he still heard so clearly.  He stopped at the car, his hands on the roof holding on for support.  His head lung low between his arms as he gasped for breath. 

 

“God, Simon…he’s still screaming…screaming my name.  I’ve got to go back…”  Jim looked up and Simon and Joel saw the tears streaming down his face.  Simon turned him and held him by the arms.

 

“Dial it down, Jim!  Dial down your hearing!”  Joel urged desperately.  He had learned a bit about this sentinel thing and believed that Jim could hear everything going on inside.  But still he stood behind Simon, ready to stop Jim if he broke loose from Simon’s hold. 

 

“Jim, you know it has to be this way,” Simon said, standing close to pin Jim against the car.  “If you go back in there, you’ll only put Blair through this a second time.  You can’t stay here, man.”  Simon looked into the pain-filled eyes of his friend.  “They’ll sedate him and he’ll settle down.”

 

Jim looked down, tears and mucus running unheeded down his face.  “They already have, I can hear him still mumbling my name.”  Jim’s face lost its focus for a bit and they knew he was listening.  “He’s out, his heartbeat is slowing down.”

 

Still amazed by the strength of Jim’s senses, Simon pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to Jim.  Jim wiped his face and turned to get into the car.  Simon had seen a lot of pain in his time with the force but knew he’d never seen a man so broken and dejected before.  He prayed that God in his mercy would find an answer to this whole mess.  They drove slowly back to Cascade.

 

\---------------------------

 

The man was disgusted.  He’d returned only to find out that the small man had been transferred out of the hospital to another facility several days before and short of breaking into the records room, there was no way of determining just where he’d gone.  He hated this.  It was messy and every action he had to take increased the possibility of someone seeing him, someone taking note of his presence in an area he shouldn’t be in.  It was bad enough when that nurse had walked in on him that first time, when he’d just taken a step closer to the small man, watching the slow rise and fall of his chest.  It was later that he realized that he’d been so enthralled that the nurse had actually startled him.  He recovered quickly enough and had even had the brief thought to just shoot her and the comatose man right then and there but something had stilled his hand.  Instead he’d apologized and exited.  Of course he’d been annoyed at his lost opportunity, but he’d been more annoyed at himself.  And he’d thought of nothing else while he took care of that other job.  He’d convinced himself that his hesitation had just been a fluke and yet he couldn’t get the picture of the young man lying there so still and quiet out of his mind, couldn’t shake the intense desire to see the man’s eyes open.  He again pushed the thought away and made his way to the records room. Tonight he’d know where they’d taken him.  And then he would be on his way to his next job by the weekend.  Satisfied, he went to work.

 

\----------------------------

 

 _Thursday afternoon._

 

 

“This is it, Jim…everything that was in that deposit box.”  Joel set the briefcase down on the desk. 

 

 _Finally_ , Jim thought as he began to look through the papers that Joel handed him.  It had taken awhile to find proof that Pierson had rented the box under another name before they could get the warrant to get into it.  Since Jim was still desk-bound, Joel had been the one to execute the warrant.   What they found was definitely the reason why Pierson had been murdered.  He’d been gathering information on a local congressional aide who was apparently taking kickbacks from someone at Cyclone Oil.  What they had would not only put the aide away as well as his contact at Cyclone but would also implicate the congressman. 

 

“This is huge, Jim.  We need to tell Simon.” 

 

“Yeah, as soon as he gets back.  He’s meeting with the Mayor…”  Jim glanced at his watch and then his phone rang.

 

 “Ellison.”

 

“Mr. Ellison, hello.  This is Dr. Corbison at the Logan Institute.”

 

“What is it?  Is Blair alright?”

 

“Well, Mr. Ellison, I have you listed as a contact for Mr. Sandburg.  Is that correct?”

 

“Yes, that’s right.  What’s going on, doctor?” 

 

“Mr. Ellison, I need to contact Ms. Sandburg.  She is listed as having the medical proxy.  I’m afraid I’m not authorized to discuss his case with you.”

 

“Damnit!  Blair is my husband!”  Joel had moved over to Jim’s desk when he heard the tension in Jim’s voice and at that statement he put his hand on Jim’s shoulder.  Only a few select people knew of their relationship and personal vows so he tried to get Jim’s attention and hopefully calm him down.

 

“I’m coming down there right now.  I will see you in two hours.”  Jim slammed the phone down and looked at Joel. 

 

“Go, man.  I’ll tell Simon when he gets back in.”

 "Thanks.”  Jim smiled gratefully as he rushed out of the door.


	10. Chapter 10

During the drive to Logan’s Jim tried all of the numbers Naomi had given him, leaving messages at every one.  Arriving at the hospital he rushed in only to be met by Dr. Corbison.

 

“Dr. Corbison, you’d better tell me exactly what’s going on with Blair.”

 

“Calm down, Mr. Ellison.  We were contacted by Ms. Sandburg just a few moments ago.  We explained the situation and she authorized us to tell you everything…”  He looked at the anger in the granite face and continued without delay.

 

“Mr. Sandburg has retreated into a vegetative state.”

 

“A vegetative state…what exactly do you mean, doctor?”

 

“Upon awakening from the sedation he was given on the day you left he began to ask for you continuously.  We explained that you would see him on Saturday, but he is unable to understand.  I’m afraid he became quite upset to the point where we had to sedate him again.  Since then he has refused to eat or to communicate with us and has withdrawn even further.  We’ve started him on a feeding tube.”

 

“Dear God, why didn’t you contact me sooner?”

 

“We were attempting to contact his mother.  I’m sorry, but the admission papers list you only as a contact.  We explained everything and she demanded that you be brought to the hospital claiming that you were next of kin along with her.”  Dr. Corbison paused slightly when he thought he heard Mr. Ellison mutter something that sounded like _I’ll just bet she did…_   “Ms. Sandburg was very vocal in her correction of the error although she filled all of the documents out herself.”  Throughout their discussion Jim had been walking towards Blair, following the sound of his heartbeat.  If the doctor thought it strange that Jim knew his way so well, he didn’t comment on it.

 

Jim reached a door and walked in.  He saw Blair lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.  A feeding tube ran down his nose and was taped to the side of his face.  Teddy was propped beside him on the table.

 

“Oh, baby.”  Jim approached the bed slowly.  “Blair?  Baby, it’s me.  Jim.”  He put his hand out to touch the beloved face.  “Honey, I’m here.  Please, Blair, look at me.” 

 

There was no response and Jim could feel his heart pounding.  “Blair, baby, please…say something.”  He bent to kiss the soft lips, breathe in the scent he knew so well and to lightly stroke the stubbled scalp.  “Come on, Chief, come on back now.  I need you.”  He sat on the bed and pulled the too-still body up to his chest.  “Oh, God, please, Blair.  Please.”   

 

Jim kept rocking and begging Blair to respond.  He has his eyes closed, his face against Blair’s temple when he felt a hand touch his face.

 

“Nuh ca-rai, Jem…nuh ca-rai.” 

 

Jim looked down into the bright blue eyes and saw his pain reflected there.  But only for a moment as joy flooded through him.

 

“Oh, baby.  I’m not sad now.  I’m happy, okay?  I’m happy…”  Jim stroked his thumb over Blair’s cheek to wipe away the tears.  He didn’t know if they were Blair’s or his own… maybe both.  What he did know was that his pain was Blair’s just as Blair’s pain was his.  That’s just the way it was.

 

“Happy?”

 

“Yeah,” Jim said with a laugh as Blair continued to pat his cheek.  Then Blair’s eyes sobered. 

 

“Nuh go, Jem, ‘kay?  Nuh go.”

 

“I won’t, Blair.  I promise.  I won’t ever leave you again.”  Jim turned to look at Dr. Corbison, his eyes steely with determination.  “I won’t.”

 

“We’ll work this out Mr. Ellison, Blair.  I can see where we need to make some changes.   But we can discuss the details later.  Right now, I’d like to give Blair a quick examination…and I believe we can remove that feeding tube.  Are you hungry, Blair?”

 

Blair smiled brightly.  “Soup?”

 

Dr. Corbison smiled.  “I’m sure we can come up with something tasty for you, okay?”  At Blair’s nod he helped settle Blair back into the bed and performed his examination.

 

While Blair happily slurped his soup with Teddy tucked under his arm, Jim took Dr. Corbison aside. 

 

“I don’t know what the hospital policy is regarding our type of relationship, but I’m telling you, doctor, I consider Blair my spouse in every sense of the word regardless of how the state sees us.  I vowed to stay with him through sickness and health.  I’d like to know where you stand based on his reaction to my leaving.”

 

“Mr. Ellison…Jim, if I may,” at Jim’s nod, he continued.  “I have no problems with you or your relationship, neither personally nor professionally.  However, legally I still have to abide by what Ms. Sandburg put into the admitting documentation.  I’d be opening up this institution to a lawsuit if I did otherwise.  As a police officer, you know I can’t do that.”

 

Jim sighed.  He didn’t know how long he’d be allowed to stay.  He briefly wondered how far he’d make it if he just picked Blair up and walked out of there…

 

“So what are our options?”  Jim looked back at the bed, noting that Blair was almost finished eating.

 

“I recommend we contact Ms. Sandburg again.  I can have our lawyers stand by along with a lawyer of your choosing.  We can verbally document a change of medical proxy.   I would also strongly recommend that you petition for guardianship, especially in light of Ms. Sandburg’s travel requirements.”

 

 _Travel requirements…yeah, right…_   “Blair is not a child.”

 

“No, Jim, he’s not.  But neither is he a competent adult, although in time he may be again.  This was just a suggestion.”

 

Jim ran his hand over his head.  “You’re right, doc.  And it was a good suggestion.  I’ll get everything lined up on my end if you can work it on yours.  But what do we do in the meantime?  Your hospital policy doesn’t allow me to stay here and I refuse to leave his side again.”

 

“Well, Jim, I can bend the rules based on the needs of the patient, so you don’t have to worry about that.  I’ll have a cot brought in, if that’s alright.”  He smiled at the look of relief on Jim’s face.  He was very impressed with the devotion the two men showed for one another.  He decided he’d do whatever he could to help their situation.  “Fine, then.  I’ll let you know how it goes on my end.”

 

“That’s great, doc.  Thanks.”  Jim put his hand out and the doctor shook it with a smile and then left.

 

Jim turned back to Blair who was noisily sucking juice through a straw.  He couldn’t help but smile which wasn’t unusual.  Blair always had that effect on him.

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

After a few phone calls things went surprisingly smoothly.  Jim called Simon to request that he be put back on leave status as well as to ask him to swing by the loft for a couple changes of clothes.  He then called his brother to ask about a good lawyer.  Stephen was more than happy to put him in contact with one of his own lawyers.  He still felt he needed to make amends for how he’d handled the shock of Jim’s announcement. 

 

Even his Dad had come around some and had called to ask about Blair’s health.  It was a stilted conversation but the concern was evident.  He did have a soft spot for the younger man.  So much so that he volunteered to pay for a therapist to help Blair out at the loft once he was released from Logan.  Jim let him know how grateful he was and they ended their call on a very high note.  Jim would also have to thank everyone at work.  Since he’d run out of sick leave, Simon pulled some strings with Human Resources to let Jim stay with Blair on donated leave time using the healthcare proxy to prove that Blair had no one else to care for him.  If Jim had ever needed proof that his friends accepted his and Blair’s relationship, this was it.   He now had more than enough leave time to help Blair get to a point where he could return to work at least part time.  Things were finally beginning to look up.

 

Jim lay spooned against Blair’s back while Blair napped, nearly asleep himself.  The hospital bed was small but they made do.  There was no way Jim could bring himself to be separated from Blair at all, not even the short distance to the cot that had been brought in for his use.  He was breathing in the scent of his Guide when he heard a slight noise at the door, as though someone was trying to be quiet.  Instantly he was alert, his gun automatically coming to his hand.  The orderly opened the door and Jim saw his eyes widen in surprise at the presence of Jim’s gun. 

 

“Sorry,” the orderly whispered.  “Didn’t mean to wake you, just bringing in some more juice.”  He held up a small plastic bottle. 

 

Jim eyed him warily but nodded and pointed his gun up and away from the orderly.  He watched as the orderly deposited the bottle onto the small table near the bed.  Without another word the orderly left.  Jim watched him go.  He felt uneasy but couldn’t decide why. 

 

Out in the hallway the orderly moved onto another door only this time it was a laundry closet, the same closet where he’d found the orderly’s shirt bundled into the basket.  He quickly removed it and dumped it back where he’d found it.  It took only moments to see that the hallway was empty so he quickly made his exit.  He’d planned on just going into the room and eliminating the small man as well as anyone else who happened to be in there.  The plan was quick, down and dirty and he should have been in and out of the room within seconds.  Instead he’d found himself staring down the barrel of a gun and he’d had to play his part for a bit longer in order to make his escape. 

 

As he drove he contemplated the incredible luck the small man seemed to have and he was glad he’d thought to buy a bottle of juice from the vending machine in the lobby.  It had given him the excuse he’d needed for being in the room and, fortunately, the cop had bought it.  The only problem now was that he had to be sure to eliminate the big cop, too.  He was uncomfortable with the suspicion he’d seen in the steely blue eyes and knew that he’d be remembered if they ever crossed paths again.  This was getting complicated and he hated complications, but he was patient and that is what would gain him the upper hand in the end.  He was sure of it.

 

 --------------------------

 

 

It took some time and work with scheduling, but with everyone’s help Jim finally brought Blair home.  Blair was making huge strides in his physical capability as well as strides in his mental ability.  Jim was even able to leave the room for short periods as long as Blair knew where he was and Jim kept the door open.  He had daily therapy sessions at the rehab center but spent the rest of his time with Jim either at home or at the office for a few hours.  Blair was still using the crutch but was much more mobile.  He was still having trouble with his arm and hand.  Mostly it was because Blair lost interest once he began to get tired and refused to push himself.  He just didn’t understand why he needed to repeat the tasks when they began to hurt.  Jim hoped that would change as his mental state improved.

 

The legal processes for guardianship, or conservatorship in legal-speak, went smoothly.  His family’s lawyers were very, very good and had everything ready within days and with his father pulling a couple of strings to get things processed quickly, it was done in just over a week which was a huge relief for Jim.

 

Naomi had also shown up again.  Blair, completely unaware of his mother’s part his hospitalization, greeted her with an enthusiastic hug and sloppy kiss.  Jim, on the other hand, really had to force himself to even let her into the loft.  If not for Blair, he’d be happy never to see the woman again. 

 

“Jim…” she began but he put up his hand.  As far as he was concerned there wasn’t much she could say that would negate what she’d tried to do, regardless of whether or not she thought what she was doing was in Blair’s best interest.  The only good thing she’d done lately in his mind was to not protest when Jim had been granted conservatorship over Blair.  But he wasn’t yet ready to forgive her.  Instead he just walked into the kitchen and put some water on for tea.

 

 ----------------------

 

 

He could see the big cop cooking something, occasionally looking over his shoulder at the small man sitting on the floor playing with a large electronic toy of some type.  He’d been watching for awhile now, finding himself unusually fascinated by the small man.  That’s twice now that he’d been close enough to do the job.  By rights, he should have eliminated him some time ago but he’d come to the conclusion that the small man had suffered substantial damage during their little exchange, more so than he’d originally thought, and for some reason he felt compelled to see how he was faring.  He was very childlike at this point and the big cop was caring for him in a very tender way that was quite out of his realm of experience.  He debated having to finish the job at all, an urge that he had never before entertained…the possibility of actually letting a potential witness go.  The cop was still a problem…but only if the small man recognized him.  If the thought that he was working too hard to justify letting the young man live crossed his mind, he pushed it away.  Well, there was only one way to make sure and he’d do it at the first opportunity.

 

 ------------------------------

 

 

Jim smiled as he stirred the sauce.  As usual, Blair had asked for soup but Jim was getting very tired of soup, not to mention the fact that all the soup Blair had cooked and stored in the freezer was gone.  Jim figured Blair had been a soup fan his entire life and not much had changed.

 

 

“Hey, Chief, you ready for dinner?”

 

“Eat, eat, eat…soup is good food…”

 

“Okay, Chief…we’re not having soup tonight, okay?” 

 

“Nuh soup?”

 

“Trust me, Chief, you’ll like this...you always used to like my spaghetti sauce.”

 

Jim brought the plates to the table only to see Blair staring morosely at the tabletop.

 

 “Nuh soup?”  He asked again plaintively while giving Jim the biggest puppy dog eyes. 

 

“No, Blair, no soup tonight, okay?  We’re having spaghetti.”

 

Jim handed the fork to a now very sullen Blair but realized that he must have been pretty hungry because it only took him a moment before he started trying to eat the long noodles.  At the first taste of the sauce, though, a smile broke out across Blair’s face that had Jim smiling back just as widely.  _Thank God,_ he thought to himself, _I don’t think I can handle having soup every single day for the unforeseeable future…_ That thought suddenly broke through the moment of happiness at seeing Blair enjoy his food.  _No,_ he thought, _Blair will get better…he will…_

 

But Blair found that he was having a bit of trouble with the pasta.  He tried shoveling it in only to lose half of what was on his fork to his lap and floor.  Jim started to clean that up only to get hit in the face with flying sauce as Blair slurped noodles into his mouth.  Jim eventually found that cutting up the noodles into bite-sized bits was the answer as long as the pasta had extra sauce.  That way it seemed that Blair just considered it to be an extra thick noodle soup and ate it quite happily.

 

Jim sighed as he sat back on the toilet seat.  It had taken him awhile to clean up all the sauce from the kitchen table and floor while Blair again played with an electronic encyclopedia Simon had given him.  It was a toy that used to belong to Darryl and Blair had become fascinated with it.  He used it so much that Jim was sure he would have every fact memorized soon.   Now, though, Blair was sitting in the bathtub playing with a yellow rubber duck, another gift from Simon.  Jim chuckled as he watched him bury the duck under the soap bubbles for the hundredth time.

 

“Alright, Chief.  That’s enough for now.  Let’s get you dried off and dressed.  You can watch a little TV while I shower, okay?”

 

Blair nodded cheerily and he raised his hands so Jim could help him stand.  After a quick rinse, he was out and dried.  Jim helped him into a fresh diaper and t-shirt.  Jim knew that soon he would no longer need the diaper, but until he was sure Blair had control he’d continue using them.  Waking up in a puddle one time was one time too many in Jim’s mind.

 

Once Blair was settled on the couch with the National Geographic Channel on, Jim was able to take his own shower.  He left the door open so that Blair could check on him whenever he needed to.  The rest of the evening rituals were quickly accomplished and both men were soon snuggled into bed. 

 

As Blair curled up into his side Jim had to fight back the usual surge of arousal Blair’s scent and proximity caused.  Back in control he opened his eyes to see Blair, thumb in mouth with Teddy tucked in tight, resting quietly, his eyes fighting to stay open.  _God, he’s so beautiful!_   Another pang of longing flooded through him, but it was something he vowed he wouldn’t act on until Blair was capable of understanding and deciding for himself if being with Jim was what he still wanted. 

 

Jim ran his fingers through the soft brown hair that was now just long enough to lie down on Blair’s scalp in wavy little attempts to curl.  He missed his Blair so damned much.  Although this Blair held all of Blair’s natural sweetness and cheerful personality, his incredible empathy and open-heartedness, Jim still longed for the keen intelligence and quick wit, the friendship and love of his chosen mate.  He also missed the sensual slide of sex-slicked skin on his, the full lips and sweet mouth as well as the hot, tight channel that so eagerly welcomed him.  God, he just missed his husband so damn much…  Jim ran his free hand down his face to scrub away the hot tears that slipped out of his eyes and kicked himself.  He hated self-pity.  Instead he pushed all of those feelings back just as he always did.   He tipped his head and kissed the soft hair, repeating the same vows he’d exchanged with Blair just a few weeks ago.  Breathing in Blair’s natural scent and listening to the steady heartbeat, Jim centered himself and finally began to relax.  It wasn’t long before sleep claimed him as well.

 

The next day dawned brightly and Jim was grateful to see that he’d actually slept through the whole night.  He got up, waking Blair in the process.  It was early, but Jim needed the extra time to make sure they were both dressed and ready for the day.

 

God, what a day, Jim thought later as they got ready for bed.  He was exhausted and he could tell that Blair was dragging, too.  Jim tried not to think about what had happened earlier.  Instead, he concentrated on the fact that Blair was still here, warm and safe in his arms.  And like the man said, who knew what he’d be capable of in the coming weeks and months…years, maybe…but regardless of how long it would take, he’d be right here, at Blair’s side.  Just have faith, Simon had said and he was trying.  

 

A few hours later Jim rolled over.  He opened his eyes to look at the clock.  It was nearly four.  Yeah, he told himself, that’s about right and it shouldn’t have surprised him.  It had been a tough day and he hadn’t really had a chance to think about it.  He tended to wake up like this when his brain was too full to go back to sleep.  And, since Blair was curled up next to him, he found himself feeling slightly claustrophobic.  So he did what he usually did at this point.  He got out of bed…very slowly so he wouldn’t wake Blair.  He did stir a bit but it was only to roll over.  He quickly settled with his thumb back in his mouth and Jim smiled at the sight.  He was never so innocent and vulnerable looking than at moments like this and he felt his heart swell and yet he still needed to move. 

 

Sometimes he just had to get away for a bit, just had to have some distance between him and Blair so that he could think.  He’d felt guilty the first time he identified just what it was he was feeling, but then he knew that the change in their situation was what drove this new need.  And after today, he accepted his need a little easier.  Having Blair constantly at his side was usually fine.  In fact, he was the one to reach out occasionally just to run a quick hand over the soft curls or across a broad back.  But then sometimes he just needed to step back, catch a quick breath.  It was the stress, he knew, of his job and dealing with Blair’s needs, both full-time jobs in and of themselves, so a little peace and quiet was a good thing.

 

He grabbed his robe and slipped downstairs leaving Blair sleeping peacefully behind him.  As he walked away he dialed up his hearing so that he would be aware the moment that Blair might begin to awaken.  He didn’t want Blair to find himself alone.  Jim reached the bottom of the stairs and used the bathroom.  A few moments later found him at his favorite spot on the balcony.  It was beginning to get cooler and he was glad he had his robe as he took a deep breath of the crisp night air.

 

Most of the time on nights like this he found himself just quietly relishing the quiet but other times it was like he couldn’t turn his brain off.  Tonight he needed to process what had happened and why.  He knew that things had been building up inside of him for awhile now but still he couldn’t believe that he’d lost it like he had in the office today.  Thank God for Simon.  It had started as something so simple.  He was watching Blair have a little snack, a chocolate pudding cup.  His coordination had improved so much that he generally didn’t have much trouble eating, well, except for the spaghetti, he thought ruefully.  But generally he didn’t have any trouble.  But for some reason this pudding seemed to be getting all over his mouth and Jim couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off of those chocolate-covered lips.  God, he wanted to clean them off with his own tongue so badly he could almost taste the chocolate.  If this had happened before Blair’s injury, Jim knew that it would have been the reaction Blair had been going for.  But this time it was simply Blair lost in the texture and flavor of his treat and so maybe that’s what had set him off…the fact that Blair was incapable of understanding just what he was doing to Jim.

 

 _He began to tremble.  Blair had been trying to lick any remaining chocolate out of the cup but stopped immediately and looked at Jim.  Without a word he dropped the cup and moved to get into Jim’s lap but Jim stood up, ostensibly to get to a wet wipe to clean Blair’s face but really it was to keep Blair from crawling on top of him._

 

 _“Jem?”  Blair asked with a worried look on his face._

 

 _“It’s okay, Blair, let me clean your face.”  Jim mumbled as he wiped away the chocolate leaving the full lips pink and shiny.  Suddenly he groaned.  God, he missed those lips.  He tried to remember when he’d last kissed Blair.  The last time he kissed Blair was when he was still in his coma and then, just once, when he’d awakened. Before he’d seen that horrible blankness in those normally expressive eyes and before they knew what Blair’s condition was. After that he thought he’d kissed him when he saw him in that vegetative state at Logan’s, but that moment wasn’t really clear in his mind.  Oh, God, he could count the kisses on one hand and that thought caused an ache deep in his chest.  Since then, Jim had restricted his kisses to Blair’s cheek or temple.  There was no way he could bring himself to kiss Blair the way he wanted to, not when Blair was like this and, really, there’d been no time at first.  There was too much going on between the doctors and the testing.  But then it had finally begun to soak in and he truly began to realize just what Blair’s condition meant for the both of them, their relationship and their lives together.  And now he just couldn’t bring himself to even think of kissing him like that and he couldn’t even remember the last time that Blair had returned his kiss, couldn’t at that moment recall what it felt like.  And they’ve only been married for a few weeks..._

 

 _Jim finished his task but the trembling wasn’t stopping, it was getting worse and he was having trouble breathing.  Without thought he turned and went to Simon’s office with Blair on his heels.  Simon had been on the phone but one look at Jim’s face had him hanging up and then moving to close the blinds to his office.  Jim figured he probably looked pretty bad as he stood there with Blair plastered to his front and yet he couldn’t bring himself to touch Blair.  Not at that moment.  He tried desperately to calm himself down, even his breathing out because he knew that Blair could feel his turmoil.  It must have worked because Simon was able to lure him away with this electronic encyclopedia thing with blinking lights that asked questions and gave answers.  Jim focused on the toy until he could get his scattered emotions in order._

 

 _“Where’d that thing come from?”_

 

 _“Oh, that used to be Darryl’s.  I figured the kid would like it so I brought it in yesterday but I got so busy I forgot about it.  Good thing, too, huh?”_

 

 _Jim gave him a tremulous smile but Simon must have sensed his need because before he knew it he was engulfed in a strong embrace.  And he just let himself be held, needing to let someone else hold him up for a bit.  Jim tried to explain but he couldn’t get the words out.  Not without letting all the pain and loneliness out, too, and he’d be damned if he was going to break down and cry in Simon’s arms.  So he just held on for a bit until the rush of emotion eased and he could breathe again.  It took a while until he noticed Blair again plastered to him, only now he was plastered to his back and the mental picture of what they must look like suddenly struck him as hilarious and he began to laugh…really laugh…and he could feel the tension begin to roll off of him like water._

 

 _Simon, worried that his friend was losing it, pulled back to look him over._

 

 _“You alright, Jim?”_

 

 _“Yeah, I am…now.”  Jim took a deep breath.  He pulled himself out of Simon’s arms and turned to Blair, running his hand over the soft hair and then cupping his cheek.  “I’m okay, honey.  Really.  Why don’t you go play with your new toy?”_

 

 _Blair seemed to study him for a bit as though to decide whether or not Jim was telling the truth.  Whatever he saw seemed to satisfy him so, with a smile, he went back to play._

 

 _Simon took that opportunity to pour a couple of cups of coffee and handed one to Jim.  He stayed silent, letting his friend say what he wanted to, knowing he needed to talk, to relieve some of the stress he’d been under._

 

 _“I was just missing him, what we had…”  Jim began but found himself unable to continue.  He moved towards the window and set the coffee down on the window sill, afraid to spill it because his hands still had a slight tremor and he looked at Simon, unaware of the pain in his eyes._

 

 _“Yeah, Jim, I miss the kid, too.  But you’ve got to remember that he is getting better.”_

 

 _“He is.  I know that.  I just…Simon, it just gets to me, you know?”_

 

 _Jim took another deep breath and turned to look out of the window.  He began to speak quietly so Simon moved to stand behind him._

 

 _“I started thinking about what if’s, what if he doesn’t get better, what if I get hurt or killed in the line of duty, what if I quit the force and find another job but how can I if he won’t be separated from me…”_

 

 _Jim dropped his head to put his forehead against the cool glass of the window._

 

 _“My God, Simon, I even thought for a moment that maybe it would have been better if he’d been killed outright.”  He turned to look at Simon. “What kind of a monster am I to think that?”  He couldn’t begin to tell Simon what that thought had done to him.  He’d run to the bathroom to vomit and he didn’t know if the tears he wiped away were from puking or from self-hatred._

 

 _Simon sighed and put his hands on Jim’s shoulders.  “You’re no monster…just human and under a hell of a lot of stress.  Jim, I know and you have to know that it was the pain speaking, not your heart. You love him, right?”_

 

 _“More than my own life, Simon.”_

 

 _“Then that’s what you’ve got to hold close to you.  That and the knowledge that he is getting better.  Sandburg’s always been full of surprises. Just you wait and see what he’s capable of tomorrow and then the day after.  You just got to have faith, man.”_

 

 _Simon’s hands fell away as Jim turned to look at Blair who was again standing and watching him with a worried look in his eyes.  He opened his arms and Blair happily moved into them.  Jim dropped his cheek to the soft hair as he stroked his fingers through the curls._

 

 _“Yeah, he is definitely full of surprises” Jim lifted his head and looked at his very good friend. “Thanks, Simon.”_

 

 _Simon waved off his thanks and took another sip of his coffee.  He looked Jim over critically, noted the lines of stress around his eyes and on his forehead, although they’d eased a bit from when he’d first entered his office._

 

 _“Just promise me one thing, okay Jim?”_

 

 _“Anything.”_

 

 _“Don’t let it build up.  Talk to me, okay?”_

 

 _Jim nodded.  “You got it, Simon.”_

 

 _“Good.  So when was the last time you worked out?”  Simon waited and received only a shake of Jim’s head.  “That long, huh?  Okay, from now on, no less than three times a week, you and Rafe or H or somebody will go and work out.  Whoever is with you will entertain Sandburg so you can stay in shape, got that?”  He waited until Jim nodded.  “Sandburg needs you so you got to stay healthy and sane and that is an order.  Now get out of here and get some work done.  And do me another favor…keep the volume on that thing turned down.  Darryl used to drive me nuts with it.”_

 

 _Jim laughed and nodded and then he and Blair went back to their seats._

 

Yes, thank God for Simon.  He still couldn’t believe that he’d had such a traitorous and selfish thought about Blair, but he wasn’t going to beat himself up over a moment of weakness.  He just had to make sure he didn’t let himself get overwhelmed like that again.  Being able to work out would help quite a bit.  He hadn’t realized how much he missed his regular routine until Simon had brought it up.   And he knew for a fact that having Blair in his life in whatever capacity was infinitely better than no Blair at all.  And although he knew he would again have doubts, especially when things got to be too much, he also knew that Simon was there to help as well as Joel and the rest to make sure he kept his head on straight.  God, it was good to have friends.

 He heard a slight hitch in Blair’s breathing and he knew he was waking up.  In moments he was at Blair’s side and watching as the beloved eyes opened to a new day.  He returned the full smile that Blair gifted him with upon seeing him and knew that no matter what, as long as Blair was by his side, everything would be alright. 


	12. Chapter 12

Jim looked at his watch.  It was nearly time for Blair’s appointment.  Jim had been working with Blair to see if he could remember the night he’d been shot.  So far he’d been unsuccessful.  That type of amnesia was typical of Blair’s type of injury but Jim remained hopeful, showing Blair picture after picture of known hit men and watching to see if there was even a glimmer of recognition.  He’d finally called a halt so that they could both take a break, but now it was time to go.

 

“Blair…” Jim called out.  Blair was sitting next to Connor’s desk trying to draw a picture for her.  At Jim’s call his head shot up immediately and a big smile crossed his face.  Jim watched as he awkwardly got up from the chair and moved across the room to Jim, dragging his left leg and holding his left arm curled to his chest.  He’d only just stopped using the crutch and was still having some trouble moving around but he was getting better.  Jim, as always, met him halfway.  And, as always, Blair reached out to hold his hand.  That was a constant for Blair. No matter where they went, he held tightly to Jim’s left hand and Jim automatically slowed his forceful stride so that Blair could keep up with him.  Most of the time, he wasn’t even aware of doing it.

 

“It’s almost time for your appointment.  Do you need to go to the bathroom first?”

 

“Yeah, potty.  No accidents.”

 

Jim smiled at Blair’s innocent statement.  He was glad Blair had been doing so well but he still kept a change of clothing and a couple of adult diapers in Blair’s backpack where Teddy resided during the day just in case.  His mind drifted back to that incident at the zoo just two days before. 

 

He’d taken Blair out for the day, loving every moment of awe and pleasure on Blair’s face.  He even enjoyed those moments of shock and trepidation like when the howler monkeys began their calls.  Blair had started at the first call but then scurried behind Jim when the other monkeys had taken up the challenge and the entire exhibit had erupted into a thunderous cacophony of sound.  It had taken quite a bit of reassurance from Jim before a wide-eyed and trembling Blair could relax enough to understand what was happening.   

 

They had been at the otter exhibit for awhile, Blair falling in love with the playful antics of the sleek animals.  Jim wanted to get some drinks but couldn’t pull Blair away from the exhibit.  He let Blair know that he’d be about 15 feet away at a drink cart and knew that Blair watched him walk over.  He looked over his shoulder to see Blair wave at him and turn back to the exhibit. 

 

Jim chose the drinks and looked over his shoulder.  He caught a glimpse of Blair in between other visitors and quickly paid for the drinks.  He began to make his way back only to see the crowd suddenly part around a tearful Blair frantically searching the crowd.  He rushed over, dropping the drinks in his haste.  He was at Blair’s side in seconds and gathered the terrified man in his arms. 

 

“Shh, it’s alright, baby.  I’m here.  What happened?” 

 

Jim scanned through the crowd of people around him but most were trying not to look their way.  Understanding dawned on him as he looked down and found that Blair had wet himself in his fear.  He needed to get him away from the crowd.  He quickly located a restroom where he was able to get Blair partially cleaned up but there wasn’t much else he could do so they left.  He tried several times to find out what had frightened Blair so badly but the younger man was completely unable to verbalize what had happened.  Jim could only assume that he’d been frightened by the crowd around him when he couldn’t locate Jim.  Since then, Jim kept supplies with them at all times and had decided that they wouldn’t head out to any more public areas.  There was still something niggling at the back of Jim’s mind but he couldn’t figure it out.  If Blair was capable of it, he knew that they’d figure it out together.  For now, it was up to Jim alone.  Jim’s thoughts were drawn back to Blair as he tugged on Jim’s hand.   

 

“That’s right, Blair.  You’ve been doing real good with that.  No accidents at all.” 

 

Jim grabbed their jackets and tossed Blair’s backpack over his shoulder.  Hand in hand, they left the office to hit the men’s room before leaving for the rehab center. 

 

As they made their way to the men’s room Jim heard a couple of snickers behind him.  It made his jaw tighten and he glanced over his shoulder to see who’d laughed.  There was a group of uniforms over to the side but they had their backs to him, although Jim could tell the big cop was the same one he’d seen at the murder scene all those weeks ago.  It pissed him off that a member of the force could be so disloyal to one of their own, especially since Blair was shot in the line of duty.  He briefly contemplated going over to talk to them but he couldn’t leave Blair alone and he didn’t want to subject Blair to his anger any more than he already had.  In fact, Blair was already tugging at his hand, his awareness of Jim’s mental state obvious by the frown on his forehead and worry in his eyes.

 

“Its okay, Blair.  Let’s just get you to the bathroom and then we can leave, okay?”

 

“Okay.”  Blair said sincerely, every ounce of trust in Jim evident in his eyes.  That alone made the tension seep out of Jim’s shoulders.  Yeah, everything was okay as long as Blair was.

 

They went in and Blair said that he could do it himself so Jim leaned against the sink and waited.  A few moments later he heard the toilet flush and Blair came out of the bathroom with his shirt half out and his pants open.  He still had trouble doing up his trousers with only one hand.  Jim took care of that for him and then helped him with the faucet as Blair washed his hands, happy and singing to himself, the ugliness of the incident in the hallway forgotten.  Sometimes Jim wished he could be as carefree.

 

At the center, Jim helped Blair get to his chair at the table after working with his leg.  Blair was tired but happy.  His therapist was thrilled with his progress as was Jim.  Now if they could just get him to put the same effort into using his left arm…  Jim’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his cell phone ringing.

 

Jim answered his phone as he ran his hand over Blair’s head drawing his attention enough so that Blair could see that he was just moving across the room.   Blair smiled and turned back to his therapist.

 

“What are you saying, Simon?  Is Blair in danger?”  Jim struggled to keep his voice down as he spoke on his cell.  Blair looked up at Jim’s voice but Jim waved at him and got a smile in return. 

 

 “It’s very possible, Jim.  We got the aide, Adkins, to talk so he’s in protective custody now.  We’re still working on getting everything we can on Congressman Jackson.  But we found evidence that it was Harris at Cyclone that put the hit out on Pierson.  The same hit man took out the secretary, Simmons.  He was after the safety deposit box, Jim.  I think you and Blair got to Marie Simmons’ house before he could get the information on the safety deposit box from her.  According to Adkins the shooter had to kill her so that she couldn’t identify him, which means, Jim that Blair might be in danger if the killer thinks Blair can ID him.  So as of this moment, you are on guard detail.”

“Simon, I’ve been working with Blair.  He doesn’t remember that night, let alone who shot him…”

“Yeah, Jim, you and I know that but the shooter doesn’t.   Jim, you need to get Blair to a safe house.  H and Rafe are on their way to pick you two up.”

Jim hung up and watched his husband finish up his therapy.  His thoughts went back to that orderly.  There had been something about him that had bothered him, but he still couldn’t place it.   _I swear to you, Blair, no matter what it takes, I will protect you._

It had been three weeks of hiding out without a sign of the shooter with both Jim and Blair continuing their review of known hit men.  Jim asked H and Rafe to run down all of the orderlies at Logan’s and he reviewed each photo they’d come back with.  The orderly he’d seen wasn’t there and there hadn’t been any personnel changes in over two months.  He got a sketch artist to work up a drawing, but there weren’t any hits on it and it had gotten no response from Blair.  Still he had a BOLO put out on it.  He couldn’t help but wonder, though, why the hit man hadn’t made any move to eliminate them before they went into protective custody.  They’d been pretty open at home and with the trips to the office as well as to the rehab center, they’d been out in the open plenty of times, certainly often enough to have given the shooter ample opportunity to take both of them out.  So why hadn’t he?

While they waited Adkins had sung like a bird and they had enough evidence to take down both the congressman and two top-level executives at Cyclone Oil.  The only concern at this point was the shooter.  Did he still believe that Blair could identify him?  Maybe not since he’d made no move that Jim knew about but he wasn’t taking any chances.  Unfortunately he also knew they couldn’t keep Blair in protective custody forever.  The budget for the safe house and round the clock cover was being questioned by the higher-ups, especially since they couldn’t prove there was still a danger to Blair.  Fortunately, Simon pushed for a compromise.  Jim left the safe house but still kept Blair at his side.  His co-workers took turns volunteering to escort both Jim and Blair to and from work and Blair’s therapist came to the station to work with Blair.  But still, Jim knew this situation couldn’t last. 


	13. Chapter 13

“…got to change your evil waaays…ba-beeee!” 

 

Jim glanced back at his partner and couldn’t help but smile at the sight.  Blair was bouncing up and down as he sang happily to the new MP3 player Jim had bought for him.   Of course Jim had downloaded all his favorite Santana tunes to the new player.  But the sight of Blair so happy, even if he was oblivious to the pitying looks he still got from a large portion of the department, still lightened Jim’s heart and kept his mind away from his own fears. 

 

H came up and dropped a paper on Jim’s desk and he, too, smiled at Blair’s antics.  Everyone, it seemed, dropped their restraints now when it came to Blair.  He wondered how long that would continue as Blair got better.  And he would get better, he told himself.

 

It was lunchtime and although Blair was now deeply involved in his book, Jim knew he had to be hungry.  He smiled again amazed that Blair seemed to have no trouble reading.  The doctor had tried to explain it once, but all he’d pretty much gotten out of it was that the physical injuries Blair has sustained were healing rapidly but what he’d lost mostly was his ability to access various parts of his brain.  Like the part that had been hurt had functioned like a switching station, or at least that was how Jim understood it.  He had never really lost his cognitive capability, just his ability to access those parts of his brain that governed them.  And as he continued to heal, everything he experienced was helping to form new connections.  So he was getting better but it would take time.  Jim just had to remember that.  It would take time. 

 

Several nights before Jim had been completely floored when he’d gone to check on his now quiet partner only to find him perusing his books in his old room.  At first Jim had been surprised that Blair had, of his own free will, left Jim’s line of sight, but then he was shocked to realize that Blair was actually reading one of his books.  When Jim entered the room Blair had given him a particularly bright smile and began to tell him about the Anasazi Indians.  Jim had been ecstatic and had called the doctor. 

 

Of course that had begun another series of tests.  Blair accepted the oral testing quite easily but had balked at the scans and then crawled onto Jim’s lap to bury his face in Jim’s neck.  Jim was crushed.  It had been irrational, but when Jim had realized that Blair was able to read he’d jumped to the conclusion that Blair had miraculously healed.  The doctor had explained everything as Jim held Blair’s hand while he napped, the sedative he’d been given in order to do the tests slowly leaving his system.  He would continue to get better but maybe only to a point.  His emotional age might improve, or maybe not.  The doctor left with a squeeze to Jim’s shoulder and Jim nodded his thanks.  Jim had the list of support groups in his pocket and he figured they might come in handy at some point, but not yet.  Blair was full of surprises and he had faith that his husband still had a few tucked away. 

 

Jim shook off his momentary introspection and moved to the refrigerator to get their lunch.    Blair stood and joined him, reaching out with his hand to clasp Jim’s.  Although he still dragged his left leg and favored his left arm, he was now moving relatively well without his crutch but still tended to tire easily.

 

“Soup?”  Blair looked up hopefully.

 

Jim sighed but smiled.  “Yes, Blair, soup for lunch.  Again.”

 

“Seee-oop, see-oop, see-oop…”  Blair bounced happily back to his seat. 

 

Jim laughed quietly at Blair’s pleasure.  He just wished Blair would show at least some semblance of desire to eat something other than soup and spaghetti.  At least he liked all varieties and it was nutritious but Jim could honestly say he missed the dishes that Blair used to cook for them.  Some had been kind of strange, but they were always tasty.  And thinking of soup, he needed to do some grocery shopping.  He’d have to let H and Rafe know.  They were the ones scheduled to escort them home today.

 

Once they were done eating Jim went back to work.  He stood and moved over to Connor’s desk, aware that Blair watched him with eagle eyes to make sure he didn’t leave the room.  It was kind of funny, Jim thought.  It was perfectly okay for Blair to wander away from him when something caught his interest, but Jim had better not do the same thing.  He returned his attention to the pad in his hand.  Jim was standing at Connor’s desk as they went over notes from the previous night’s stakeout when suddenly Connor looked over Jim’s shoulder let out a choked laugh. 

 

“Hey, Jimbo, looks like Sandy’s got a slight problem…”

 

Jim turned around and groaned.  Sandburg was sitting quietly in his chair and staring down at his lap, lightly pushing at the erection that tented his pants.  Jim moved quickly to his side.

 

“Baby, no, don’t touch that here...”

 

“Nice…”  Blair gave Jim a sweet smile. 

 

Jim rubbed a hand down his face.  Blair had discovered what his body was capable of while in the shower one morning.  Although Blair had reached the point where he was able to shower by himself, Jim still kept an ear out for any problems.  Generally, Blair kept up a running monologue that contained parts of songs and stories as well as bits of television commercials, but that morning he’d become uncharacteristically silent.  Jim had rushed in only to find Blair gently stroking his erection.  At Jim’s entrance he looked up with a wondrous smile and said “Jim…nice…” as he continued to stroke himself and then he came. 

 

Jim still felt guilty over the rush of desire that raged through him at the sight.  Blair had been so beautiful, the look on his face rapturous as he climaxed.  He’d grown hard himself at the sight but willed it away as he dealt with Blair who’d fallen to his knees, his expression suddenly lost as the new experience left him confused and afraid.  Any desire Jim felt quickly left as he helped Blair clean up and then later, as he explained what had happened.

 

Jim was sure he’d talked to Blair about not touching himself in public, but now he realized that he hadn’t told Blair what to do about spontaneous erections.  Not wanting to drag the young man to the bathroom in his current condition, he turned so that his body blocked Blair from the rest of the bull pen.  He screened out the chuckles he heard behind him as he worked to get Blair’s attention away from what his body was doing.

 

“Blair, tell me again about the show on Discovery channel last night…”  Blair had fallen in love with the sea otters on TV just as he had when he’d seen them at the zoo and had been talking about them off and on all morning.

 

“…and then they wrap up in seaweed to keep them warm like a blankey and…”  Blair suddenly stopped and looked down.  Glancing back up to Jim he smiled.  “All gone…” 

 

 The bull pen erupted in a loud burst of laughter and Jim let out a deep sigh.  Life with Blair was never dull. 


	14. Chapter 14

A little while later Jim was back looking through his notes at the case he and Connor were working.  He rubbed his hands across his face, stress and fatigue had carved deep lines across his forehead.  He could feel the frustration building up inside of him as he tried to review the facts once again to try and find some semblance of a connection between his two key suspects.  God, this case going nowhere fast on top of everything else going on in his personal life were both going to drive him into an early grave... 

 

“It’s okay, Jim, it’s okay…”  Blair cooed as his hands came out to rub across Jim’s temples.

 

Jim became aware of the pain throbbing in his temples only as it receded under Blair’s gentle touch.  Jim knew that Blair’s empathic capabilities had increased with his injury but his husband’s sensitivity never ceased to amaze him.  After a few more moments Jim turned to Blair only to have the younger man crawl into his lap and bury his face in Jim’s neck.

 

“Hey, Chief, thanks for the help.”  Jim rubbed Blair’s back for a bit but knew he had to get Blair out of his lap.  It wasn’t exactly behavior that Simon would approve of in the bullpen.  He tried to gently push Blair upright so that he could stand up but Blair held on even tighter.

 

“What’s the matter, Blair?  Are you okay?”

 

“Hurts, Jim…he’s mad and he hurts.”

 

“Who hurts, Blair?  What are you talking about?”

 

Blair sat up then and Jim could see tears standing in his eyes.

 

“Baby, what’s the matter?  Are you in pain?”

 

Blair’s eyes became distant and he suddenly struggled to get out of Jim’s lap but Jim held on, now reluctant to let Blair go until he knew what was wrong.

 

“He hurts, Jim…come on, okay?”  Blair said as he succeeded in standing up.  Grabbing Jim’s hand he began to walk as rapidly as he could out to the hall and to the elevator.  Once there he began to hit the down arrow over and over again.

 

“Whoa, hold on there, Chief.  The button’s lit, okay?  The elevator will be here in a moment.  Where are we going?”  Dumbfounded, Jim just stared as the doors opened and Blair rushed in.

 

“Make it go down, Jim, make it go down.”

 

“Okay, Chief, where do you want to go?” 

 

Blair seemed unable to answer so Jim hit the button for one floor down.  The doors slid open again and Blair shook his head, stomping one foot lightly.

 

“Down, Jim, down more…”

 

Again, Jim hit the button to drop one more floor.  As soon as the door opened Blair was hustling through.  Jim had a moment of chagrin when he realized that their usual positions were reversed as Blair led him down the hallway.  A sudden shout had Jim pushing Blair against the wall despite Blair’s struggles to get away.

 

“Stay here, Blair…” Jim hissed as he began to inch his way to the squad room at the continued shouting, but Blair ignored his order and moved faster than Jim had ever seen him to scuttle ahead.

 

“Damnit, Blair…!”  Jim was right behind him and they entered the room together only to see the big new cop swinging his gun in an arc at the other officers taking cover around him, every one of them with their own weapon trained on the big man.

 

“Get away or I swear I’ll take one of you with me…!” 

 

Jim held onto Blair and turned to a sergeant he recognized.

 

“What the hell’s going on?”

 

“Jeeks found his partner cradling his weapon, tried to get it away from him when MacGregor freaked…”

 

Jim struggled with Blair as he tried to figure out what to do.  He couldn’t let go but as the ranking man in the room he had to try and talk the man into giving his weapon up.  Just then Blair managed to get away. 

 

Blair somehow managed to wiggle passed all of the hands seeking to restrain him and limped towards the enraged man.

 

“Blair…!”

 

MacGregor eyed the small man coming towards him with one hand held out.  He couldn’t believe it.  The little fuck was a faggot just like all the others.  _Little bastard…guys like him did it…they’re the ones who fucked up his brother.  Gerry wasn’t gay until…until…_

 

“You fucking faggot, get the hell away from me…!”  MacGregor growled as he pointed his gun at Blair.  His hand shook as he tried to focus all of his hatred on the slight man.

 

Despite the angry words, Blair kept walking forward.  His large blue eyes filled with tears that finally spilled over as he approached the giant.

 

“No more hurting, okay?   Don’t be mad…”

 

“I swear I’ll shoot you, you bastard…it’s your fault he’s dead, damnit.  Get away!”

 

Jim was terrified and rushed forward to stop his husband but halted as the big cop swung his gun and pointed it at him.  He stopped and put his hands up to show that he held no weapon.

 

“Officer MacGregor…Mac, right?  You don’t want to do this…”

 

Despite what was happening around him Blair continued his trek towards the man radiating so much pain.  He had to help.  He finally reached his goal and began to wrap his arms around the barrel torso.

 

“What the fuck…no, you fag, don’t touch me…”

 

“Shh, no hurting... no more…”

 

MacGregor couldn’t believe it.  It felt like a heated blanket had suddenly been wrapped around him as the small man struggled to get his arms around his body.  He kept his gun pointed at the detective but moved his other hand to push the small body off of him.  At the first contact he felt an incredible heat leach into his hand and travel up his arm.  He gasped as the heat found its way into the icy cold spot in his chest, that spot that felt like an icy dagger had struck deep into his heart ever since the news of his little brother’s death.  But it was that ice that had held the pain at bay, letting his rage take over and he needed the rage to stay strong so that he could do… _something_ , damnit, kill someone…kill the fags that caused this…kill the source of the pain…  _It was the fags…it was the fags…_

 

“Oh, God…” he gasped and he looked down.  He moved his hand up to bury it in the soft dark curls that were so like Gerry’s when he’d been small.  That movement caused Blair to look up with those incredibly blue eyes still filled with tears and he felt the red hot throbbing in his head ease as he sank down into that misty blue.  Gerry’s eyes weren’t blue, but he’d had that same look of trust…a trust that Mac had failed.

 

“Mac, please…let him go…he doesn’t mean you any harm…”  Jim begged, terrified that MacGregor would hurt Blair.

 

Mac tore his eyes away from Sandburg’s and looked at the detective.  He noted the fear in the detective’s eyes and knew he feared for his partner, feared that Mac would hurt the little man.  _Hurt him?  I’m a cop…I protect…No!  Gerry’s dead, damnit…Gerry!_   In his head Mac struggled to hold on to his rage, to believe that fags like Sandburg had caused his brother’s death, but he felt it slipping away leaving only the pain, the gut-wrenching pain.  _Gerry wasn’t gay before, he’d of sworn to it…_ Flashes of memory assaulted him, all those times when he’d just had a feeling that was immediately denied.  _He shouldn’t have been in that bar when the fight broke out.  That stray bullet shouldn’t have found him…_ Mac took a shuddering breath.  Gerry shouldn’t have been in Dresden at all, but Mac had kicked him out of the house when Gerry finally made him believe.  But still…it was _Gerry_ …and he’d kicked him to the curb…

 

Oh, God!  He’d promised his mother he’d take care of Gerry.  He was the big brother and Gerry had been so small compared to him, so innocent, and Mac had tried to shield him from the ugliness of the world, had always protected him.  And Gerry always believed his big brother could do no wrong until that day, that day when the one person he loved most had betrayed him…

 

“It’s my fault,” Mac gasped as he tore his eyes away from the detective to look down at the man holding him.  “If I hadn’t kicked him out of the house he wouldn’t have been there looking for work.  He could have finished school…”

 

Blair kept looking at the big man as he rubbed soothing circles into the huge waist, the only part he could reach. 

 

“It will be okay…you didn’t do it…not your fault…”

 

Mac looked deeply into the blue eyes and saw compassion and grief.  It melted that last bit of ice inside of him and he felt the world spin.  He never noticed when Jim grabbed his arm, pointing the weapon down and pulling the gun from his now-lax grip.  He kept the eye contact even as his knees gave way completely and he slid to the floor, Sandburg still holding on to him.

 

“I’m so sorry…so sorry…” he gasped as Sandburg wrapped his arms around Mac’s head to gently pat at the short, dark hair, cooing softly.  _Gerry, I’m so sorry…you’re my brother and I didn’t listen, wouldn’t listen…_

 

Despite every fiber of Jim’s being screaming at him to rip Blair out of the sobbing man’s arms, he forced himself to let him do what he could for the distraught man.  At the sound of voices he looked over his shoulder and saw Captain Harris with the station shrink moving through the door, Simon close on their heels.  All of the other uniforms had come out from behind their cover and holstered their weapons.  Jim would have figured they’d move on as he normally would have, most men not wanting to gape at the sight of another man’s tears.  Instead they all looked on, seemingly mesmerized at the picture of compassion on display. 

 

Jeeks watched, too, knowing as they all did how MacGregor felt about Dr. Sandburg, how he belittled and disregarded Sandburg’s injuries, choosing instead to utter vile comments about the man’s personal life.  And yet there he sat with Sandburg cradled in his lap while speaking quietly to his captain and the staff psychologist.  He shook his head in amazement.  Maybe things would get a little better and he wouldn’t have to ask for a different partner after all. 

 

After awhile they were able to get Sandburg off of the now-calm man’s lap.  Jim smiled down as Blair wrapped his arms around him.  He seemed exhausted but relaxed now that MacGregor had been led away. 

 

“You okay, Chief?  Ready to go home?”

 

Blair nodded tiredly and turned, taking Jim’s hand in his to leave.  Jim was surprised when one of the uniformed cops, Jeeks, he thought, reached out to lightly touch Blair on the arm.

 

“You did good, Dr. Sandburg.  Thanks.”

 

Blair pulled his hand away from Jim and patted Jeeks’ face lightlyl and smiled at the man.  “You’re okay, too?  Yeah, you’re okay…”

 

Jeeks blushed faintly and looked at Jim.  “Mac’s my partner.  I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t get him to talk to me.  Then I found him with his gun, I swear I thought he was going to use it… I tried to talk him out of it but he lost it and…  Damnit!  I should’ve seen it coming!”  He looked at Jim, self-condemnation plain in his eyes.

 

“Did you know about his brother?” Jim asked. 

 

“No, he never talked about his personal life much, he just…uhh…you know…”  Jeeks turned away, an embarrassed flush staining his face.

 

“Yeah, I know what he thought.  He made no secret of it, but maybe that’ll change now.  The important thing is he’ll get the help he needs.”  Jim looked the officer over with a critical eye.  “Are you okay?”

 

Jeeks looked down at Blair and smiled.  There was something about those eyes.  “Yeah.  I’m okay, thanks.”  With a nod he moved away and Jim again moved towards the door.  They were stopped a few more times as several other officers thanked Blair but finally, a bemused Jim was able to drag Blair away and they headed back to the bullpen 


	15. Chapter 15

He watched closely but made no move even though several opportunities had presented themselves.  He could have broken into the loft apartment to lay in wait, but was reluctant to do so although he had, in fact, broken in only to look around Blue Eyes’ room.  Or what he guessed had been his room at one time.  There were many things stored in there, items that were related to Blue Eyes’ other life as an anthropologist.  Oh, yes, he was well versed in Blue Eyes’ life outside of the police department now, to include the obviously intimate relationship he shared with the big cop, although that aspect of their relationship seems to have been stalled by Blue Eyes’ injuries, courtesy of you know who. 

 

Blair Jacob Sandburg, PhD.  Even his name was interesting and he wondered what kind of woman Naomi Sandburg was.  Despite his interest in all things Sandburg he limited his efforts to learning all he could about his young detective and only referred to him by his personal nickname in his thoughts.  Ever since that moment at the zoo, when those incredibly blue eyes had locked onto his and he’d seen recognition there, he’d become fascinated with their owner.  There was just something about the smaller man that attracted him in a way he couldn’t name.  And that was extremely unusual because he’d never in his life been attracted to other men.  But he couldn’t get those eyes out of his mind, so blue, so innocent and yet knowing him in a way no one else could. 

 

While watching Blue Eyes he began to think that perhaps it was just as well that he was now being forced into retirement, that BOLO making it more difficult to stay unknown on his jobs.  Anonymity was crucial because it led to simplicity, the one thing that he obsessed about.  He couldn’t bear having any complications in his life and that made the thought of completing a job with the possibility of being recognized…and possibly hunted…totally unacceptable. 

 

He had, in fact, been asked to do another job since his return to Cascade, but he turned it down.  He didn’t need the work.  He was, at this point, quite wealthy.  But the problem was again that BOLO.  Maybe he just needed to get a new face.  After all, there were always those people out there who wanted someone who was capable of making the impossible shot, that long distance precision hit no matter how small the target.  And he was always successful.  It had become a matter of pride that the only shot he couldn’t make was one that was outside of the range of the weapon he was using.  And that was the secret to his success.  He could see every little detail no matter how far the target was.  And he’d learned the art of complete immobility, something that was absolutely critical to any long distance shot.  So his skills were well known and in demand, but that BOLO put a face to those skills and there were those who would not take no for an answer.  Yes, perhaps a new face.

 

So what could he do at this point?  The simple answer was to get rid of Blue Eyes and the cop, especially the cop, and then disappear.  That was the simple answer, the obvious answer, and yet the thought of squeezing a trigger with Blue Eyes in his sight chilled him in a way he didn’t understand.  But he was a professional.  He’d do what was necessary.  Mind made up, he now needed to make it happen.  And as quickly as possible, so rather than wait for the next opportunity he decided he’d simply force the issue.

 

\-----------------------------

 

A week later Jim and Connor finally got a break on their case.  It had taken some digging but they got the information that their prime suspect had set up a drug deal.  The only problem was that it was going down within an hour and only Connor and Jim were in the bullpen.  Simon was attended a meeting with the Commissioner across town and Jim had a call in to Joel and H, but they were out in the field on their own cases and hadn’t called back, yet.  To top it off, most of their uniformed units had responded to a major multi-car crash on the interstate.  It was the worst time possible to get word of a major drug deal going down.

 

Blair whimpered quietly as he watched Jim and Megan argue.  He knew it had something to do with him but he didn’t understand why they couldn’t go where Megan wanted to go.  He could feel the anger radiating from both but he also knew that they weren’t mad at each other.  Not really.

 

Jim turned away from Megan when the phone finally rang and he hoped it was Simon because they were running out of time.  Thankfully, it was. 

 

“Yes, Sir, it’s going down in about 45 minutes.  There’s one patrol car available…yeah that problem out on the interstate…”  Jim turned and looked at Connor as he spoke on the phone.  “There’s no way in hell I’m letting her go out alone on this, Simon, and it sounds like you and everyone else will show up too late…okay…yeah, we’ll keep back until you get there just…hurry, alright?”

 

“We on, Jimbo?”  At Jim’s nod she smiled but then her brow furrowed as she frowned.  “What about Sandy?”

 

“He has to come with us and that’s why we’re staying back until Simon gets there, got it, Connor?”

 

Connor chewed her lip for a moment but nodded.  “It’ll be tight, mate.”

 

“Yeah, I know but I’m not letting Blair get anywhere near some idiot with a gun.  It’s just not happening.”

 

“I understand, Jim, it’ll work out.  We just can’t let that bastard Sturgis get another shipment out on the street.”

 

“Yeah, I know, so let’s get started.”  Jim grabbed two vests while Connor got her gear together.  Jim took Blair by the hand and they left as quickly as possible to get to the meeting point.

 

 _Thirty minutes later…_

 

“Oh my God he’s cute…”

 

“When he’s better you’d better not breathe a word of this, Connor.” 

 

Jim gave Connor a hard look.  Blair sat with them in the car while they waited but had soon grown tired.  He hadn’t been sleeping well because of nightmares since the zoo incident so Jim sat with him in the back seat, Blair’s head on his lap as he gently stroked the short soft curls until sleep claimed the younger man.  Connor’s comment came about as she looked back and saw Blair sucking his thumb with Teddy in his arms.

 

“No worries, Jimbo.”  She was about to say something else when her radio crackled softly.  It was Rafe.  They were en route.   It was a good thing, too, because a dark SUV pulled up to the building they were watching and their boy stepped out. 

 

Jim smirked.  Leon Sturgis was an arrogant bastard.  He had to know he was under surveillance and yet he still showed up at the deal.  It must be pretty sweet to get him out of his safe house.

 

Jim and Connor watched as Sturgis’ men checked out the building.  Two of the men scouted around and disappeared behind some crates. 

 

Several minutes later a dark green sedan pulled up.  Two men stepped out, one carrying a briefcase.  Jim looked at him, sure he’d seen him somewhere before.

 

“Do you know him, Jim?”  Connor asked as she put her binoculars down.

 

“Yeah, he’s familiar.  I think he’s a dealer I busted about two years ago.  Small time, first bust…Green…no, Greeley, that’s it.  Sam Greeley.”  Jim thought for a moment.  “It doesn’t make sense.  Greeley is strictly small time.  There’s no way he’d have the bucks that would interest Sturgis.”    

 

They watched Greeley and his partner go into the building. 

 

“So what do you hear, Jimbo?”  Conner threw Jim a smirk knowing he was probably already listening in.  Besides Connor, the only others who knew of Jim’s special abilities were Simon and Joel. 

 

“He’s making a deal for someone else but he’s not giving any names.”  Jim’s eyes were glued to the entrance but he kept talking.  It was one of the tactics Blair had taught him to keep him from zoning. 

 

“Okay, Sturgis is pissed.  Greeley didn’t bring the full amount they’d agreed upon…someone else is coming with the rest…uh oh…sounds like things are going south real fast.  Where the hell is the backup?”

 

Connor finished a transmission that Jim had missed while concentrating on the conversation below.

 “Backup’s here.” 


	16. Chapter 16

“Backup’s here.”  Megan said quietly and then Jim became aware of two other vehicles pulling up, Rafe and H in one and the other was a black and white.   Jim began to open his door but Connor stopped him with a hand on his arm and a stern look.

 

“You’ve got to stay with Sandy.  I’ll go with H and Rafe.”

 

Jim opened his mouth to object but Connor raised her hand.  “We’ve got it, Jim.  Besides, we need to lay low a bit longer…I want to know who Mr. Moneybags is.”

 

Jim ground his teeth in frustration but he knew she was right, Blair would lose it if Jim wasn’t around when he woke up and Jim couldn’t do that to him no matter how much he wanted to be in on the bust.  He sighed and nodded but Connor was already out of the car.  Jim watched as they circled far out and around the building, working to avoid the two men hiding out front.  The two uniforms took up positions close to Jim but well away from sight.  They continued waiting and Jim could hear that Sturgis was getting very impatient.  He was ready to walk.  Nervous because he didn’t know what was keeping his backer, Greeley decided to deal with what he had on him.  Jim quietly relayed that information knowing that Connor would move in as soon as it was done.

 

A few moments later all hell broke loose as shots were fired inside of the building.  That brought the two uniforms out of hiding to engage the two men out front.  The shooting woke Blair up.  Terrified, he tried to crawl into Jim’s lap.  It seemed like it took forever to calm Blair down enough to sit and, after a few moments more, Jim was able to get him to crouch down in the back seat. 

 

Jim was going crazy, all of his Sentinel impulses at war.  Part of him needed to join in the fray and the other part needed to protect his Guide.  Blair’s panicked heartbeat and breathing on top of his fear-scent was driving him to the edge.  Jim forced himself to some measure of calm so that he could convince Blair to stay in car while he got a little closer.  He was still within eyesight of Blair as he took in the scene before him. One of the uniforms was down as well as one of the two bad guys.  Jim radioed that they needed more backup and an ambulance and that an officer was down then he looked back over his shoulder to verify that Blair was still in the car.  He was, so he turned back to the scene.  Jim took another step, his instincts as both a cop and a Sentinel still tearing him apart.  He wanted to help the downed officer but he wasn’t willing to leave Blair. 

 

Shots were still being fired sporadically inside building and Jim saw the other suspect steal out from his hidey hole and take another vantage point.  Both Jim and the remaining officer fired but missed.  The suspect’s new location allowed him to pin the other uniform behind the SUV.  It was up to Jim, now.

 

Again Jim glanced behind him to see Blair’s terrified eyes peeking out of the car.  Jim gave him a hand signal and told him to stay put and prayed that Blair would obey him.  Just another couple of steps and Jim knew he would have a shot at the suspect, but those two steps would take him out of Blair’s line of sight.  Jim had no choice.   

 

Jim moved forward to take his shot and succeeded in wounding the suspect but just then another shot rang out from off to Jim’s right.  He turned and noted movement on a nearby roof.  Peripherally he was aware that the uniform had moved in on the suspect so he zoomed in his sight and zeroed in on a man with a rifle.  And in that moment he saw that it was the orderly and there was something else…the shooter was also a sentinel.  He could tell that the other man saw him as clearly as he saw him.  The shooter again raised his rifle and it only took him a split second to realize that this shooter wasn’t aiming at him.  Terror seized his gut as the trajectory suddenly made sense.  The shooter was aiming at Blair. 

 

Jim spun around as another shot rang out and his heart froze.  Only two steps but it seemed as though Blair was a mile away.  He heard the shot hit the car just as he turned the corner but Blair wasn’t there.  _He missed!_

 

The car door was open and Blair was nowhere in sight.  He moved forward, staying low next to the right front fender of the car and scanned the area, noting with a gut-wrenching fear that the blood he could smell belonged to his Guide.  He dropped to his knees just as another shot broke the car window above him.  He scrambled to take cover. 

 

He couldn’t believe it!  He’d missed his shot at Blue Eyes but in his heart he knew that the impossible had happened.  Despite all his training and practice, despite the icy professionalism he knew he displayed, he’d jerked his shot at the last moment.  And now he knew that the cop could see as well as he did.  That moment when they’d locked eyes he knew they were the same, that they had the same unique ability.  He was in shock.  That was the only reason he could think of for missing his next two shots…a second shot at Blue Eyes and one at the cop, both completely missing their targets.  But no more, he thought as he moved to his secondary position.  He was going to take them both down.

 

Forcibly calming himself, Jim concentrated on his hearing, searching for some sign of his husband.  There…behind a drum…he could hear Blair’s panicked heart beat and breathing.  He scanned the area and started to move in that direction but another sound stopped him.  Without thought he dove behind a barrel but not before a fiery pain slammed into his shoulder.  The shooter had moved closer and had fired another shot at him, would have killed him if he hadn’t heard the slide of metal on metal that signaled another shot.  He could hear the approach of sirens but knew they wouldn’t get there in time.  He called out to Blair to stay put, that he’d come to him but heard he only whimpers in response.  Gritting his teeth he took off his shirt to wrap around his left shoulder.  God, the pain almost blinded him for a moment but fortunately it looked as though it was a through and through.  Unfortunately his arm was now useless.    He didn’t know how badly Blair was injured and again tried to locate the shooter and then realized he was again on the move and getting closer. 

 

Suddenly several things seemed to happen at once.  A loud barrage of gunfire came from the building and a man ran out.  Without thought, Jim took that opportunity to run towards Blair, peripherally aware that the running man went down as he exited the building.  He reached the stack of drums he knew secreted Blair only to see a man pointing a rifle at a drum.  He raised his gun to fire but another shot rang out with Jim’s following a split second later.  The shooter went down hard.  He turned to look to his left and saw the big uniformed cop, MacGregor, with his gun still locked on the shooter.  MacGregor had fired the first shot that stopped the shooter and that, hopefully, had saved Blair’s life.  Jim moved forward and kicked the rifle away from the downed man and quickly checked his pulse.  He was still alive.  He put cuffs on him and then looked at MacGregor and nodded once to turn over responsibility before he moved to find Blair. 

 

He didn’t immediately see Blair so he listened for a moment and called out, hearing another whimper in response.  It was coming from inside one of the drums.  Jim dropped to his knees and gently called to Blair who slowly crawled out of the drum on his hands and knees, straight into Jim’s lap. 

 

“Oh, baby, it’s over.  You’re okay, now.”  Jim noted with horror that Blair was covered in blood.  The smell of blood and fear was almost overwhelming as Jim tried to find where Blair was injured.  He tried to push Blair away so he could examine him but the younger man held on fiercely.  Again, Jim tried to soothe Blair as he cradled him, moving his hand up to sift through the dark curls.  He felt something wet and pulled his hand away only to see it covered with blood.  Blair had received another head wound.

 

Time seemed to stand still and suddenly someone was there pressing something soft and white against Blair’s head.  Behind him he could hear Connor on the radio requesting another ambulance and off to the side was Simon giving directions to someone else. 

 

Jim was in shock.  _This can’t be happening…oh, God, this can’t be happening again…_

 

Then the paramedics were there, prying Blair out of his arms.  He struggled to hold on but a fierce strength pulled him away, held him while his very life was lying on the cold, hard ground bleeding to death in front of him.  He called out to the paramedics that Blair was on blood thinners as he fought against the bands of steel holding him, barely heard the words whispered in his ear.

 

“He’ll be alright.  He has to be alright.” 

 

Jim turned and looked into the dark eyes staring intensely into his own and nodded.  Yes.  Blair has to be alright.  They had Blair in a gurney now and were moving him to the ambulance.  The strong arms finally released him and Jim turned to MacGregor, nodding again as he moved to get in the ambulance with his husband. 

 

Mac watched the ambulance pull away, lights and siren working and nodded again to himself.  _He has to be alright._   Then he turned to the suspect.  His injuries were critical and the paramedics were still working on him but he doubted he’d make it.  He was going to ride in the ambulance with the suspect in order to keep him in custody so after they loaded him he jumped in behind.  The suspect kept looking at him and it was getting to him.

 

“What?” Mac finally asked.

 

“I couldn’t do it.” The man gasped and the paramedic told him it was better if he didn’t try to speak but it didn’t matter anymore and he knew it.  He just wanted someone to know.

 

“It was…his eyes…”  The man gasped again and then exhaled deeply as an alarm went off and a flat line showed on the heart monitor. 

 

 The paramedic got real busy pulling out the paddles and getting ready to shock the suspect’s heart but Mac knew it wouldn’t do any good.  He was gone.  But he knew exactly what he was talking about…Sandburg’s eyes…and he nodded to himself in understanding as they sped on.   



	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second Impact Syndrom (SIS) is a rare condition normally seen in sports such as football. With Blair's history in this story it seemed a likely possibility.

Jim’s nightmare was repeating itself in every excruciating detail.  And again, guilt wracked every fiber of his being while he waited for the doctor to come out and tell him about Blair.  They’d wanted to put him in a room for the night for observation, but Jim wouldn’t budge from the ER until he knew what was going on so he lay back in the little curtained cubicle and listened while the doctors examined and ordered tests.  He’d lost so much blood.  Head wounds bleed a lot anyway but the blood thinners he was on didn’t help.  God damnit!  This was his fault.  He’d done it.  He’d placed Blair in danger…again. 

 

After awhile Simon pulled open the curtain.  Jim had smelled the scent of cigar smoke long before his friend showed his face. 

 

“They told me they were taking him off for a CAT scan, maybe an MRI or something.  What have you heard?”  Simon looked his detective over noting the thick swath of bandages that covered his shoulder but what had him worried was the nearly frantic look in the blue eyes.

 

“The bullet just grazed his skull but he’s got a severe concussion.  They keep talking about SIS, but I don’t know what that is.  So that on top of all the blood he’s lost…Simon,” Jim turned tear-filled, desperate eyes to his friend, “he’s unconscious, maybe a coma…”

 

 _Oh, dear God, not again!_   Simon couldn’t believe what he was hearing but didn’t stop to think about it.  Instead he moved to the bed to wrap long arms around his friend.

 

“He’ll be alright, Jim.  You’ve got to believe that.  Who knows, maybe this’ll knock everything back into place…”

 

Jim snorted once and looked up at Simon.  Fear, hope, guilt...it was all there in Jim’s eyes although he was silent. 

 

“Yeah, but you just got to remember…Sandburg’s full of surprises.”

 

Jim nodded and rubbed a hand across his face.  The curtain was pulled open slightly and Jim saw Joel’s face peek in.

 

“Simon, you’ve got someone in the waiting room to see you.”

 

“See me?  Who is it?”

 

“Davis from PR…seems the media got a hold of what happened tonight.”

 

“Aw, hell.  Okay, I’ll be right there.  Can you stay with Jim?”

 

“Simon…” Jim started but Simon held up his hand but looked at Joel who nodded with a smile. He turned to look at Jim.

 

“No way are you going to be left alone.  Just make sure you let me know if anything changes, got that?”

 

Both men agreed so Simon left to find out what kind of mess was brewing.  Jim was just telling Joel about Blair’s status when the doctor came back in.  Joel offered to leave but Jim kept him with a slight touch to his hand so Joel sat back down and the doctor began.

 

“Mr. Sandburg is still unconscious.  He lost a great deal of blood but he took the transfusion well.  Our concern at this point is the concussion.  Since he suffered a previous brain injury, the potential exists for what we call Second Impact Syndrome.  This is a rare condition that can occur when an individual suffers from a second concussion before healing from a first brain injury.  What happens is that the brain swells rapidly and catastrophically.  The results are usually fatal but if the patient survives there is usually considerable disability…”

 

 _Oh, dear God, no…no…_   Jim paled and physically reeled from the grim words and both Joel and the doctor quickly reached out to hold him and ease him back onto the gurney.

 

“Detective…Jim…please calm down and listen for a moment.  Mr. Sandburg does not have SIS, but it is a concern. We’re doing everything we can to prevent any swelling.”’

 

Jim’s breath hissed through clenched teeth but after a moment he nodded. 

 

“What are his chances?”

 

“I can’t give you any odds on this.  Technically, Blair didn’t suffer from a concussion when he was shot but we don’t know how he will react to this new injury.  We’re keeping a very close eye on him, watching for _any_ sign of swelling.  We do have him on medication but this concussion is categorized as a complex concussion so it’s tricky.   Quite frankly, though, he is doing much better than we anticipated.  The latest scans show that the remaining clot is gone and he is stable.”

 

Jim made a face that was half grin and half grimace.

 

“Blair’s going to keep surprising you, you’ll see.  When will he wake up?”

 

“We really don’t have any way of knowing that yet.  He’ll be monitored and we’ll continue testing to make sure everything stays the same.  He will wake up when he’s ready and we can take it from there.  Until then we’re keeping him in ICU.” 

 

“When can I see him?” 

 

“Detective Ellison, you really need to get some rest.  I’ll have the orderly take you to your room and we can let you know when there’s a change in Mr. Sandburg’s condition…”

 

“No.”  Jim stated definitively.  “I’m not leaving him alone.  I have to be there when he wakes up or he’ll freak out.”

 

“Detective…”

 

“You want me under observation, right?  Well you can observe me all you want while I wait with Blair.” 

 

The doctor saw the stubborn set of his patient’s jaw and acquiesced.  It had been the same way the last time Mr. Sandburg was in the hospital.  And he had to agree with Mr. Ellison’s assessment of what would happen should Mr. Sandburg awaken without the big man at his side.

 

“We’re getting him ready to move to ICU.  I’ll have the orderly come and get you so that you can accompany him upstairs.” 

 

Jim nodded, relieved and the doctor left. Now he had to make some phone calls, one of which would be hard as hell.  He had to call Naomi and let her know what had happened.

 

The call to Naomi was just as difficult as Jim had envisioned.  Naturally, she was shocked and angry but she was also surprisingly subdued.  She admitted that she was wrong in her actions before but couldn’t believe that Blair was again injured.  Jim had to agree, especially when she again laid the blame at Jim’s door.   And Jim couldn’t deny any of her accusations.  Her last words were that she was close and would be there in a matter of hours.

 

Jim hung up and shook his head.  No doubt Naomi would sue for custody of Blair after all this and Jim couldn’t blame her.  He sure as hell wasn’t doing a very good job of taking care of him.   _Oh God, Blair…I’m so sorry.  So sorry, baby…_

 

 Jim dropped his head into his hands, glad that Joel was with Blair while he made these calls down in the lobby although he was also monitoring him, almost subconsciously.  He wiped the tears away and sat for awhile, staring into space.  Suddenly, he looked up.  Yes, he knew what he had to do.  He placed a call to his father to let him know what was happening.  And when he got there Jim would outline his decision.  Relieved to an extent, he made his way back to his husband’s side.  



	18. Chapter 18

As he had before, Jim held Blair’s hand and spoke to him, hoping some of what he was saying was registering with the man he loved more than life itself.

 

“…it’ll be for the best, Chief.  I know my Dad will give me a job and he’ll work with me so that we can get things set up so I can take care of you.  Trust me, buddy, he’ll do anything for you.  He really does like you, probably more than he likes me.  I’ll talk to him as soon as he gets here and set it all up.  I will never put you in danger again, I swear it, Blair…”

 

Jim’s voice died away as he contemplated handling his resignation from the force.  He had no choice, really.  Who knew what kind of care Blair would need when he woke up.  He just prayed that Blair would at least be back to the level he was before the latest injury, but even if he wasn’t, he’d take care for him for the rest of his life. 

 

Awhile later Jim was told that his father and brother were there.  With a quick kiss to Blair’s lips he made his way to the other side of the glass partition, dialing up his hearing and focusing it on Blair so that he’d know if there were any changes.  Joel had left several hours earlier and he refused to leave Blair alone.  With his own sentinel monitoring, Jim knew he’d be at Blair’s bedside before he opened his eyes.

 

William Ellison looked at his son as he came around the partition.  He was pale and there were lines of either stress or pain, probably both, lining his forehead.  Without a word he wrapped his arms carefully around Jim as soon as he came up to them.

 

Jim let himself be held needing the care as much from his father as he had from Simon, if not more so.  William was his dad.  After a bit they released one another and Jim turned to his brother who also gave him a warm but gentle hug, mindful of Jim’s injured shoulder.

 

“How is he, Jimmy?” 

 

“He has a severe concussion but he’s stable.  He just needs to wake up, Dad.”  Jim squeezed the bridge of his nose and then turned back to the partition.  He couldn’t bring himself to talk about the SIS.  “He just needs to wake up.”  He repeated as he looked at Blair, lying so still and quiet in the hospital bed.

 

William’s heart wrenched at the despair emanating from his son.  He looked so beaten down.  Then, with a deep breath, Jim turned back to him.

 

“Dad, I need to ask you something.  I want to ask you for a job.”

 

William stared at his son while Stephen gasped in surprise.

 

“Jim, you’re a cop…”  Stephen began.  That’s _who_ he _is_ …

 

“Not for much longer if I can find another job.” Jim started with a quick look at Stephen.  Then he turned back to William.

 

“Dad, I don’t know what shape Blair will be in when he wakes up.  I can’t leave him and I don’t have any more leave.  But most importantly, I won’t put him in any more danger.  Do you think you can find a spot for me?  One where I can keep Blair with me? I know that’s asking a lot…”

 

He turned away as tears stung at his eyes.  “Blair’s got incredible luck.  He’s survived all of the crap we’ve been through…that I’ve put him through…more often than anyone I know.  I can’t take the risk of losing him, Dad, I can’t do it.” 

 

The last was spit out through gritted teeth and William knew how close to the edge Jimmy was.  Under normal circumstances William would have jumped at the chance to have Jim work in the family business, but thanks to Blair, he’d grown closer to Jim and with that, he’d come closer to understanding his eldest a bit better.  He reached out with one hand to squeeze Jim’s good shoulder.

 

“Son, I can’t begin to know how you’re feeling now, but I can guess that you’re feeling pretty desperate.  Of course you have a job with me, Jimmy, whenever you want it.  And Blair will have whatever he needs, no matter what.  All I ask is that you don’t make any decisions right now. The important thing is to be here when Blair wakes up.  He’s going to need you.”

 

Stephen, nodding in agreement, joined in.

 

“Yeah, big brother, don’t go burning any bridges too soon.  Who knows, Blair could surprise you, surprise us all…”

 

Jim laughed.  He couldn’t help it. Yes, Blair was definitely full of surprises.

 

“I tell you what, Jim, you look like you could use a little rest…”  He put his hand up when Jim began to protest.  “I’ll sit with him for awhile, okay?  He won’t be alone, and yes, I know the hospital policy but I _am_ one of their benefactors.  I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if I sit with my son-in-law for a bit so you can get some sleep.”

 

He smiled at the shocked pleasure he saw on his son’s face. 

 

“Go rest, son.  I’ll call you if there’s a change.”

 

Jim just smiled gratefully knowing that no matter what, he was still monitoring Blair on his own so, with a small nod, he let Stephen lead him over to one of the recliners provided in the waiting area and Jim knew he would have someone watching over his rest, too.

 

\---------------------------

 

Jim woke up to the sound of voices.  Simon had returned and was speaking with Stephen.  Without thought Jim turned his attention to his senses.  He wasn’t sure if it was good or not but Blair’s condition hadn’t changed.  Both Simon and Stephen turned at the sound of the recliner closing which was accompanied by a slight grunt of pain.

 

“Hey, Jim, how’s the shoulder?”  Simon looked at Jim.  He looked a little better but only by a bit.  He made a mental note to talk to the nurse as soon as they finished in case Jim needed something for the pain.

 

“Fine, Simon, I’m fine.  Blair hasn’t changed.”

 

If Stephen was surprised at Jim’s knowledge, he didn’t show it.

 

“You look like you could use something, though.  Tell you what, I’ll go hunt up a nurse to see about your shoulder while you talk to Simon, okay?”

 

Simon gave Stephen a look of relief.  It was good to know Jim had his family looking out for him.  They watched as Stephen stepped out and then Simon turned to Jim but Jim spoke first.

 

“How are things going, Simon?”

 

“Well, it’s kind of a nightmare right now.  Somehow the media got wind that Sandburg was at the shooting.”  He gave a deep sigh at Jim’s confused look.

 

“Jim, Blair is currently listed as being mentally incompetent…”

 

“Mentally incompetent?  Fuck, Simon!  Who tagged him with that?  He’s got problems, yeah, but he was injured in the line of duty, damnit!” 

 

“Jim, Jim, I know, man.  Trust me.  It’s just that someone at the newspaper got the bright idea to throw mud at the police department saying that we put innocents at risk…”

 

 _Mentally incompetent…shit!_  That phrase rolled round and around in Jim’s head.  In a burst of self-disgust Jim jumped up to start pacing.  _Blair is innocent.  He should never have been there.  It was my negligence that got him hurt…_

 

William walked in to see Jim pacing in agitation.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

At the sound of his father’s voice Jim spun around.

 

“Who’s with him?”

 

“Easy, son, Stephen is with him.  There’s been no change.  Now why doesn’t someone tell me what’s going on?”

 

Simon repeated what he’d told Jim and William sighed.

 

 “So, Captain, what’s your stance on this accusation?”

 

“I shouldn’t have allowed Jim and Blair to be on scene.  It’s my responsibility and I’ll take the heat for it…”

 

“No way, Simon!  You knew as well as I did that we had to stop that deal from going down and there’s no way Connor could have handled it alone.  No one could have.  It was the timing that sucked but _I_ made the decision.” Jim gave a deep sigh.  “I thought I had Blair far enough back that he shouldn’t have been hurt.” 

 

“That’s another thing I wanted to tell you, Jim.  That deal was a set-up.  Yeah, we got the drugs and we got Sturgis, but Greeley was there because of his backer.  Niles Jorgensen.”

 

“Who the hell is he?”

 

“He was your hit man, Jim.  He set it all up to get you and Blair out of protection.  I don’t have any proof but for all I know he could have set up that mess on the interstate.  We never found the driver of semi that was burning up.  We’re just lucky that no one was killed during the pileup that resulted from it.”

 

“I don’t get it, Simon, he had plenty of opportunities to take Blair and I out before we even went in to the safe house, let alone after that.”

 

“I can’t answer that, Jim.  He covered his tracks pretty well but we got Greeley to talk.  It was Jorgensen that approached him first to set the deal up and even told him where to meet Sturgis.  I believe he planned on taking you and Sandburg out and then leave Greeley and Sturgis to deal with each other.  He probably figured Greeley would be killed and any trail leading to him would end.  The point, Jim, is that you had no way of knowing the deal was a set-up.  He knew you’d be there somewhere with Blair, and Blair was his target.  Jim, even if you hadn’t taken Blair to the scene he still would have been a target.  Somewhere, somehow, Jorgensen would have tried to take Blair out.”

 

“And he would never have been a target if he hadn’t joined the police force.  He would never have done that except for Jim.”

 

All three men spun around at the new voice dripping with anger.  Naomi had finally arrived.

 

Jim looked at the shocked faces around him but he couldn’t deny what she was saying.  It was the same thing he’d been thinking.

 

“Ms. Sandburg,” Simon began, the first to say anything.  “Have you seen Blair?”  He glanced at Jim but his face was closed, his jaw tight as he ground his teeth. 

 

Naomi waved her hand in agitation.  She didn’t want to hear platitudes. 

 

“Yes, I’ve seen my son and I’ve spoken with the nurse.  Now I want to know how Blair was put into this situation!” 

 

“Blair was with me, Naomi.  I was there to back up another officer and I thought I had Blair far enough back to be safe…”

 

“Jim,” Simon interrupted frustration evident in his voice.  “There was no way you could have known it was a set-up!”  Turning to Naomi he tried to get her to understand.  “Blair was the target of a hit man, Ms. Sandburg.  He was not shot by the individuals under surveillance…”

 

But Naomi was too furious to listen, again blaming Jim for Blair becoming a police officer.  Jim remained silent as her criticism of him continued but Simon couldn’t let her heap everything on Jim like that.

 

“Ms. Sandburg, Blair is an adult.  He joined the force out of his own free will.  Plus his doctorate was based on the PD.  He worked hard to become a detective and he’s damned good at it.  He knew the risks the job entailed.” 

 

“No!”  Naomi answered shrilly.  “He joined because he had no other choice…he wanted to protect Jim.” 

 

Suddenly Naomi paled.  Blair had no other choice initially because of _her_ actions.  He didn’t learn about his continued doctoral candidacy until _after_ he entered the police academy.  She spun away, guilt and anger warring in her heart because she knew she was as culpable as Jim for Blair joining the force.  But she didn’t put him in danger.  Jim had done that.

 

“It’s still your fault he got hurt!”  She turned and yelled at Jim, tears coursing down her face.

 

Jim remained still, silently accepting her accusation and adding it to his own self-condemnation, every word making another bloody gash on his soul.  A nurse came to the door to ask that they please keep their conversation quiet.  William assured her he’d take care of it and then moved to Naomi’s side.   

 

“Ms. Sandburg?  Naomi?” 

 

She turned to him and stared as though seeing him for the first time.  

 

“Hello, I’m William Ellison, Jim’s father.”  He began his voice low and gentle as he tried to diffuse the situation.  “Please…sit down.  I know you’re tired and worried.  You had to travel a while to get here, didn’t you?  Would you like some coffee?”

 

William turned to Simon who already had a cup in hand from the pot reserved for families of those in the ICU.  Naomi accepted the cup, misery and fear evident on her face but William’s soft, soothing voice seemed to calm her considerably.  

 

“I know you love your son, just as I do mine.  What happened was very unfortunate and as I understand it, Jim did have Blair under cover, back away from the where the deal was being handled.  But please consider this.  Your son is a police officer, regardless of whether you agree with that profession or not.  It was his choice.  And unfortunately he became a target of an evil man, a man who would have tried to kill Blair no matter where he was.  I submit to you that if the shooter had made the attempt at some other location he might have actually succeeded in killing Blair instead of wounding him.  As it was, there were numerous officers around and it was one of them that shot Jorgensen first, stopping him from shooting at Blair again.  And now that man is dead and although Blair is hurt, the doctors are confident that he will get better.”

 

Naomi said nothing, merely turning away from William to weep.  Jim couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to be with Blair so he quietly excused himself to Simon and hurried away, the need to reconnect with his husband too strong to put aside. 

 

To say Stephen was taken aback to see his big brother with tears streaming down his face would be putting it mildly.  Stephen had never known his brother to cry.  Not even as a child when they were told that their mother had left them.  So now, at Jim’s approach, he quickly left Blair’s side to allow Jim to sink into the chair next to the bed.  Jim said nothing, didn’t even acknowledge Stephen’s presence.  He just picked up one lax hand and kissed it tenderly before dropping his forehead down to rest against it.  Stephen didn’t know what had transpired to bring Jim to this state, but he was glad to see the strain easing around Jim’s face just from his proximity to Blair.  He was startled from his thoughts by a nurse who touched him gently on the arm as a reminder that only one family member was allowed at any given time.  He nodded quickly and left to find his father.  He wanted to know just what the hell was going on.  



	19. Chapter 19

The steady beat changed cadence just a bit but it was enough to begin to stir the man asleep with his head on the edge of the bed.  A slight hitch in the breathing was enough to bring him to full wakefulness.  He opened his eyes to see thick eyelashes flutter and he held his breath even as his own heart skipped a beat.  Ever so slowly the beloved eyes opened just a slit and he gently squeezed the smaller hand he held in one of his own.  That action brought that partial gaze to light on him and he watched the eyes widen completely as the once-still body suddenly jerked.  He’d hoped for recognition but instead saw confusion…and fear, especially when the hand held so gently in his own suddenly drew back and struck him across the face.

 

A shocked Jim stumbled back as a nurse pushed by him, another on the other side, both struggling to hold the now convulsing man thrashing on the bed.  He belatedly became aware of the scream of monitors as Blair’s heart and respiration rates skyrocketed.  He was told to leave as a doctor rushed over but he refused, instead remaining at the foot of the bed while the medical staff began to prepare an injection.  The entire time they were asking Blair to calm down, relax, and stop trying to move.  But Blair ignored them as he kept his eyes locked onto the man at the foot of the bed.  So Jim reached out with his hand and grabbed a flailing foot.  He added his words to those of the people around Blair.

 

“Blair, relax…please!  Just stop moving, okay?  Don’t move…be still.  Breathe with me…that’s right, honey, like you’re snuggling with Teddy and trying to go to sleep.  You can do it, baby…that’s right…”

 

Jim kept up the litany until Blair stilled and his breathing slowed but he kept rubbing Blair’s foot lightly the entire time.  And that’s where Jim stayed, hovering somewhere near the bed while tests were conducted and blood was drawn.  And always, the sapphire blue eyes stayed locked on him and he kept up the encouragement and soft endearments.

 

Once everything calmed down the doctor explained to Jim what was happening.  Blair had received his injury to his cerebellum, the base of his skull.  That brought the horrible memory of running his hand over Blair’s head and finding it covered in blood.

 

“The last time Blair was injured it was to the front of his brain, the frontal lobes…”  As Jim spoke he caressed the hand in his and noted Blair’s eyes still on him.  He gave him an encouraging smile.

 

“Yes, Jim, that in conjunction with the effects of the stroke he had during surgery affected his behavior, his personality, his memory…his inability to express language.  All of those things were the result of the earlier trauma.  But he was getting better; in that respect he _is_ better.” 

 

“So what’s happening now?”

 

“First of all let me tell you that the damage to this part of his brain is considerably less than what he suffered before.  I believe he will get better over time with this as well…and much sooner than with his earlier injury.  Add to that the fact that the blood clot is gone, I have very high hopes of his continued recovery.”

 

Jim was ecstatic.  Blair would recover.  “So are you saying he’ll be back to normal?”

 

“Jim, I’m saying that Blair will continue to recover, but be aware that he may never make it back 100 percent to the way he was, and you knew that from his last injury.  Together we can deal with that as it comes up.  But he _will_ get better, trust me on that.  In general, symptoms of traumatic brain injury should lessen over time as the brain heals, and you never know with this one.  Blair has proven to be a very surprising patient.  As I said, I have good hopes for the level of his recovery.”

 

Jim took a deep breath.  Yeah, he knew 100% was probably out of the question, but Blair does continue to surprise everyone.  It’ll just take time.

 

“So what happened just now?”

 

“This type of injury can affect fine motor movements and Blair’s ability to reach out and grab objects; it can cause tremors and dizziness, slurred speech and affect his ability to walk.  But I believe his symptoms will decrease with time.  What happened just now was Blair’s attempt to do something and his body just overreacted.  I believe it caused a bit of panic which just exacerbated the situation.  That’s why we needed him to calm down and why I gave him an extremely mild sedative.  Until he gets better we can’t afford to let him injure himself.”

 

Jim sighed.  It had been frightening to see Blair have what looked like a seizure, but now he knew what was going on.  He looked down and saw the confusion in those deep blue eyes.  Again he squeezed the hand he held very gently and leaned in to his husband.

 

“Hey, Chief, I know you don’t understand what’s going on, but you’re going to be alright.  The doc here says you’re getting better but it’ll take time, okay?  And I’m not going anywhere.  We do this together, got that?”  He was rewarded with a lessening of fear in Blair’s eyes.

 

Someone, Simon probably, brought Blair’s teddy bear and Jim gently laid it over Blair’s arm.  Jim again saw the eyes widen in confusion and Blair opened his mouth in an attempt to speak but anger and frustration clouded the blue eyes as garbled sounds emanated. 

 

 

“It’ll be alright, honey.  Trust me, it’ll be alright.”  Jim said soothingly as he gently stroked Blair’s face with his fingertips and leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.  Blair’s sudden spasm took him by surprise and he backed away, but just as quickly moved forward to again try and soothe the thrashing limbs.  It took a long time to calm him.  Tired and heartbroken, Jim wanted desperately to hold his husband but feared another rejection, and Jim was sure that the kiss was what had set Blair off.  So if Blair no longer wanted Jim’s kisses, he would oblige him.  And Jim just knew that somehow he, too, blamed Jim for his condition.

 

Blair whimpered suddenly and Jim looked back at him and, despite his resolve not to press unwanted intimacy, he knew Blair needed him so he moved closer and simply reached over as much as he could and held his husband as tears slipped down the pale cheeks of both men.

 

Jim had submitted his resignation to a deeply saddened Simon.  But he said he understood and Jim was grateful.  He had too much on his hands to worry about leave time and leave without pay.  And despite how much he hated it, he knew his father was taking care of everything else for him.  He forced himself to accept the situation because he also understood that William needed to help, needed to be involved in his son’s life after being separated for so long. 

 

And it was Stephen who had put a stop to the media coverage of the shootout, stopped the reporters hovering around the hospital hoping to get a statement from Jim.  Shortly after leaving Jim with Blair, Stephen had sought out Simon Banks to get the full story.  He’d been livid, Simon told Jim later.  But between the two of them they set the story straight for both the newspapers and news stations.

 

Jim reached over and adjusted the foam helmet Blair wore to keep his head safe should a spasm throw him against the padded side rails.  No one wanted to take any chances that the young man would re-injure himself.  Medicating him was not an option.  His body needed time to regain control and for that he needed rest.  And so he rested and remained calm…as long as Jim was with him.  

 

 

Even when Naomi visited Jim remained just on the other side of the glass partition to keep him calm.  The dependency Blair had on Jim continued to anger Naomi but she accepted the situation, her weeks of processing events and meditation helping her to accept her son’s relationship with Jim and her own role in how things had transpired.  However, she remained angry with Jim over the latest injury and no matter what William said, she couldn’t find it in herself to even look at him calmly.  She knew that her feelings might change as Blair got better, but for now the only things keeping her from seeking legal counsel were Blair’s dependency and Jim’s resignation from the force. 

 

 

It took a few days but Blair did re-learn how to move so as to avoid uncontrolled muscle spasms but speech was coming much more slowly.  Blair’s doctors were enthusiastic at his recovery but cautioned against pushing too hard too fast.  Blair had been moved out of ICU to his own room although the possibility of SIS still hovered in the distance, each passing day made it more remote.  Everything would just take time, they said.  And they had time.  So Jim remained at Blair’s bedside, not that Blair would allow anything else, and as usual, kept up a running monologue to keep Blair occupied much as he’d done each time Blair had been unconscious. 

 

 

 “…I was shocked when I saw Jorgensen.  I mean I _really_ saw him, you know?  And I know for a fact he saw me.  Honey, I know you don’t understand a lot of what I’m telling you but maybe it’ll jog some memories for you, okay?  Anyway, baby, Jorgensen was a Sentinel, too.  You know, I have a bit of a theory here…now, don’t go giving me that look…I can have theories, too you know…” Jim stated after a particularly exasperated and frustrated expression.

 

“Anyway, I think that Jorgensen followed us around for so long because he’d developed a fascination for you.  You’re a Guide and I think he sensed that although he probably didn’t understand it…not like I do, Chief.  And I think he realized he couldn’t hurt you.  Simon has been doing some research and there was this unknown hit man out there, a guy who never missed his mark regardless of the distance.  According to Interpol he dropped off the radar a few weeks ago which was roughly when you were out at Logan’s...”

 

At Blair’s seeming interest, he continued.

 

“Baby, he missed you twice…and he missed me.  I think he found out that he couldn’t kill you, although why he missed me is a question.  Maybe he was just shaken up after missing you.  Anyway, baby, when I came around that corner and saw him with his rifle pointed at where I just knew you were hiding, I almost lost it.  I was pulling the trigger when another shot hit him first.  I don’t know if you remember him, the really big uniformed officer?  MacGregor?  Yeah, the guy I thought hated you saved your life, sweetheart, and I’ll be grateful to him for the rest of mine…”    

 

\-----------------------

 

Blair was shocked and afraid of the world in which he’d awakened.  He remembered seeing a familiar man, although he couldn’t remember his name at the time, but he was looking at him as he opened his eyes, he’d squeezed his hand so gently and Blair wanted to touch the tired and pained face of the man he knew he loved but then it was as though someone else had control of his limbs as he struck out, loosing complete control over his body.  He knew he’d hit Jim as he thrashed and that remorse added to his agitation.  It was the sound of Jim’s voice that cut through the maelstrom of fear and confusion, the feel of his hand on his foot that pushed away the pain coursing through his tense muscles as he calmed.  Slowly he understood that something had happened to him, that he was in a hospital.  But Jim was with him and that was the only thing keeping the fear at bay.

 

The doctor had come and spoken at length with Jim, but Blair didn’t understand much of what they said.  Again he was confused and afraid but Jim had soothed him with a touch.  He wanted to be held but couldn’t find a way to make that known and it frustrated him. 

 

As time passed he concentrated on moving his hands without swinging his arms, moving his head without slamming it against the bed rails.  And he could accept that he’d been badly injured, enough to warrant some kind of head protection, and that obviously Jim had been hurt, too, by the evidence of the bandages on his shoulder.  But what he couldn’t accept was the fact that Jim wouldn’t kiss him.  Ever since that last time, when he’d first awakened, and Jim gave him a kiss but it was a kiss to his cheek.  He wanted Jim’s lips on his and had tried to turn his head.  That was when all hell broke loose and he’d lost control of his body.  And the worst part was that he couldn’t tell Jim how afraid he was or how much he needed the comfort of Jim’s touch.  He couldn’t ask what it was that Jim was thinking or for someone to tell him what was happening.  He couldn’t even hold a pen to write anything down.

 

Flashes of memories would come to him but they didn’t make much sense.  And why did Jim keep pressing a teddy bear into his arms and calling him ‘honey’ and ‘baby’(although he kind of liked it) which was both familiar and odd at the same time?

 

The only way he knew he could get the answers he sought was to ask.  And for that to happen he had to re-learn how to talk.  And with that as his only goal, he began to work. 

 

It was several days later that Jim sat with Blair as he worked at reaching for and picking up a small block.  Jim was all smiles and encouragement, his face alight with his pleasure at Blair’s progress.  Blair wanted desperately to tell Jim how he felt, what he remembered, so with agonizing slowness he began to form the words.

 

“I-I-I-I…l-l-l-l-o-o-ve…y-y-y-ou-oo-oo…”

 

Jim froze and then a huge smile broke out across his face even as tears formed in his eyes. 

 

“Blair…” he breathed, his heart bursting with joy as he moved closer and brought his hands to either side of Blair’s face.

 

“K-k-kiss-ss?”

 

“Oh, baby, of course I’ll kiss you.”  And Jim did.  Right on Blair’s cheek.

 

“N-n-nuh…”

 

Jim quickly pulled back at the negative reaction, pain lacing his features but Blair wasn’t done yet.  Moving slowly he placed his hands on Jim’s face and pulled him closer, gently bringing Jim’s lips to his own and kissing him with all the love he was capable of.  He ended the kiss and pulled back to look into Jim’s eyes and patted one hand gently on Jim’s face.

 

“H-h-us-b-band…”

 

Jim couldn’t believe it and the tears slipped down his cheeks.

 

“Oh, God, Blair…yes, baby, yes.  I’m your husband…you’re mine…” and Jim’s words were lost to his sobs as he buried his face in Blair’s neck.

 

Blair held him, tears streaming down his own face as he patted Jim’s back murmuring “…mine…mine…”


	20. Chapter 20

_One year later…_

 

Blair walked down the hallway of the Cascade Police Department with a sheaf of papers in his hand from the personnel office.  He was now fully reinstated as a detective and a consultant.  He couldn’t be happier although he was getting tired, but fortunately the day was nearly over.  His leg ached and he was looking forward to sitting down at his desk to rest it a bit.  It had been a grueling physical therapy session that day but he was pleased with his progress.  A snippet from an old Beatles song popped into his head. 

 

 

 _“It’s getting better all the time…”_

 

He hummed the tune to himself, the words flowing through his mind as he walked then someone called his name.

 

“Dr. Sandburg?”

 

He turned to see a large man approach him.  He seemed familiar.

 

“Yes?”

 

“You may not remember me, but you helped me through a rough time.  My name is Paul MacGregor…” he paused a moment to see if Blair remembered and then smiled as he saw recognition enter the eyes.  Still he waited, wondering just what memory was coming to mind.

 

“Yes, I remember a moment when you were…upset…”  Blair began, tentatively recalling the tears streaming down the large man’s face.

 

“Yeah, well, you got me through a tough time and I never really got to thank you.  I guess I just wanted you to know that things are going a lot better for me now…”

 

 _It’s getting better all the time…_

 

“I made detective and I’m working over in Robbery and Homicide and …well…”

 

“You shot Jorgensen…you saved my life…”  Memories of what Jim had told him came flooding back.

 

“You partner, Detective Ellison, fired right after me, so it wasn’t me alone…”

 

Blair looked up at the man and gave him a bright smile. “Thanks,” he said simply as he put his hand out.

 

Mac looked down at the proffered hand and smiled.

 

“And thank you.  It’s good to know you’re back on the job.”  And with that he said he’d see Blair around and they parted.

 

Blair sighed as he made it back to his desk.  He knew there was probably more he’d remember about MacGregor later on…or not.  It didn’t really matter.  He’d come a long way in accepting that he’d never remember everything from before or be able to do everything he used to do.  His mediation helped a lot and not just him.  Learning how to meditate had helped Jim, too.  God knows it hadn’t been easy for Jim dealing with him while he went through his recovery.  Being so childlike the first time had been bad enough, but then dealing with his moodiness and irritability during Post-concussion Syndrome sure as hell wasn’t a piece of cake, but they got through it.  Jim had told him that a lot of his patience came about because at least Blair could tell him how he was feeling and that gave him something he could work with.

 

 _Yes, I admit it’s getting better_

 _Getting better, since you’ve been mine…_

  

Even Naomi was learning how to deal with his recovery…and his return to the department.  They had, in fact, learned quite a bit about one another.  Blair had never known her stance on marriage and although it saddened him he was grateful she’d come to accept their decision.  She’d even come to the wedding they had in Massachusetts.  But the expression on her face was still a revelation in itself when he’d flat out told her that he was a cop.  That Jim was a cop.  It’s who they were and that he fully intended to return to work as soon as he was able and that he really hoped she’d accept that.  Yes, it was dangerous work but it was what he wanted…for himself as well as for Jim.  They were partners…in everything. 

 

 

And yet it wasn’t nearly as hard getting Naomi to accept that as it had been getting Jim to accept it.  They had a full-out shouting match when Blair told Jim that he was returning to the force.  Jim had forbidden it.

 

“ _What?!_   You can’t forbid me from doing something that I want to do!  You no longer have conservatorship over me!”  He’d yelled waving the papers that decreed he was now competent.

 

And, after a while, Jim had agreed.  He had never wanted to give up being a cop.  He was, after all, the Sentinel of the Great City.  And Blair was the Shaman of the Great City.  It was who and what they were.  And although Blair understood Jim’s fear, Jim also came to understand that it was Blair’s fear, too.  Just as it was the fear of everyone involved with a cop, or a firefighter or a member of the military or any one of a hundred dangerous jobs.  And they would learn to deal with it.

 

Thinking of Naomi’s expression on that day reminded him of the one Jim had when Simon finally admitted that he’d never turned in Jim’s resignation. Instead he’d left Jim on Leave Without Pay status until everything had calmed down.

 

Yup, it’s definitely getter better all the time.  His reverie was broken by a sudden feeling of happiness.  Jim was coming closer and was in a good mood.  Which was just another thing he was learning to deal with…being able to really feel what those around him were feeling.  It took some getting used to but it was also turning out to be quite helpful.

 

“Hey, Chief, you all set?”

 

“Yeah, and I’m starving.  What’s for dinner?”  Blair asked as he grabbed his stuff and Jim just smiled.  A few moments later they were alone in the elevator and Blair asked again.

 

“Well, baby, I was thinking about that little Italian place on Chester.”  Jim said as he snuck in a quick kiss and grope to Blair’s ass.

 

“Mmm, sounds good.  And then dessert later at the loft?”  Blair asked hopefully.

 

“Oh, honey, you read my mind…” Jim said with a smile as the doors opened.

 

And later that night with Blair curled up against him sleeping the sleep of the well-fucked, Jim had to smile.  Things were just getting better all the time now.  Blair stirred slightly but it was only to put his thumb in his mouth as he settled into a deeper sleep and Jim’s heart swelled even more at the picture of innocence his husband created.  Snuggling in a bit closer Jim breathed in the scent of his Guide, happier and more content now than he’d been in a very long time, and then he, too, slipped into sleep.

 

The End


End file.
